aloha!

i think in the ever-so-brilliant film, "miss congeniality," (for those unfamiliar, just check your local cable stations - it might as well be on every weekend) there is a conversation about how "aloha!" means both "hello" and "goodbye" so i found that it was an appropriate title with which to wrap up the year/start anew. and no, i'm not going to hawaii.

i started a post last night. it involved me drawing this parallel between one of my favorite shakespeare plays, "much ado about nothing" and my life in 2007. perhaps it could've been worthwhile, but as i started recapping the year (in far too much detail i might add), i realized, there was no need. there's no way i'm going to forget this year and what happened in it. most all of it is etched in my heart and has really become a huge part of who i am. this has been a year of me being shocked by the actions of other people, experiencing love and how you have to entrust the objects of your love to God (including letting them go), discovering new passions in ministry, crying more than in any year i can remember, seeing friends off to africa , into marriage, or into the life beyond this one, moving into a place of my own by myself, creating new works of art, gaining new best friends, listening to new music, getting my first tattoo, joining an online dating site (for better (thanks to a redeeming individual) and worse), traveling to new places, oh, and of course watching every episode of buffy the vampire slayer, which i mocked a year ago, but now revere as a favorite television program.

i also bought new jeans yesterday. that is a grand accomplishment indeed. from all my women out there, can i get a "woot! woot!"?

i suppose i should also add, that this might be one of my last posts (at least as you know them). one of my greatest joys from this blog has been the comments that i get from not only people i know, but also the random people that stumble onto my blog. who would've thought that i would have someone find my blog BECAUSE i posted about giovanni's roll out piano? it's a crazy world out there.

so, the "hello" part of aloha! is that i'm switching things up as far as my musings go. i want to hear what america thinks. so, in order to do that, i'm going to ask questions. i'll give my answers to the questions too, but i don't want that to be the focus. whether variety truly is the spice of life, i don't know. but listening to people is key, and i need to practice that. so, tell me who YOU are. you shall be my muse. bewilder me in 2008. happy new year. let's grow together.

guitar hero......z

if rustin can just post a video of a wonderful guitar player, then i can post some of my faves too. i call this segment "keeping up with the smiths, or, the smith" these characters are not quite as "classical" but they're innovative and good at their craft.



tommy's awesome. he's part of why you need to come to winfield. don't get scared by his facial expressions.



doyle is incredible. i enjoy his daughter haley's music as well. i chose this video in tribute to my cats. makes me want to rock back and forth real fast.



this video doesn't do james justice at all, but he's the best flat picker i've ever seen. go see the waybacks. you won't regret it.



not your typical guitarist. kaki is king. or queen.

webloggingblahblah

man - there's been so much i could've blogged about in the last couple of weeks, but i'm just now getting around to it, so this will likely be filled with abrupt changes in topics and be random at best.

i went to seattle a couple of weeks ago for the first time. it was completely wonderful. i loved the people i was there with, loved the city, loved the conference i went to (it re-fired my passion for loving people and seeing a bigger picture of God), loved the food i got to eat (SO delicious; fresh seafood is the BEST! i was in heaven for a little bit), and loved looking out of the airplane window and watching the topography change from the midwest (or really just "mid," let's be honest) to west. i'm pretty happy with most of my pictures - feel free to check them out here. i cannot wait until i can travel again - it fufilled a longing in my heart that i often forget exists. it may be a sign that my fortune in my fortune cookie this evening read, "you will travel to many places." i'm super cool with that and now await a fortune that says, "you will have a great fortune and plenty of time off from work."

on top of that, i've also gotten to experience some wonderful joys/sorrows recently. some seemingly trivial, some major, but full of vitality and life regardless. a long phone call from a friend who has had a passion awakened within her (one that is similar to mine and tied in amazingly with the conference in seattle), supporting a dear friend who is struggling with life-changing issues of love, honesty, and family, receiving a wonderfully unexpected phone call from a friend that was out of town, hearing from a friend that i haven't heard from in a year and 1/2 (and finding out that she's married now and will be in town to visit soon!), being inspired by the found magazine/postsecret show i went to and having my heart tugged at as well as my laughing my booty off, going to a rock show, making a friend snort and cry because she was laughing so hard at my southern accent, remembering a friend that died a couple months ago, and oh yeah - recently getting my heart broken and knowing that i can't do anything about it.

i'm pretty sure i've cried more and harder in this last year than in any other year of my life to this point - and i was saying that in march! still, i think that as the end of the year comes all too quickly to a close, i can say that i have cared for and loved people with a larger portion of my heart, gotten to meet some extraordinary people, had brand new conversations, been continuously loved and stretched by God, and started to embrace changes that i want to make in my life this year. plus, right now i'm watching the first episode of project runway season 4 which makes me very happy, and i'm not really caring at the moment that almost every other t.v. show is not new because of the writers strike. i will not be so happy once LOST and 24 are affected, but that's another post!

also, i am so excited that different people (known and unknown) have been leaving comments on my last couple of blog posts! a big desire of mine for the last 1/2 a year or so has been to start networking with people and getting to know what and who's out there in the world. i'm slowly taking steps in that direction, and with any luck, i'll begin figuring out where my journey's heading. until then, i'll keep truckin' and playing my roll out piano. oh wait, strike that last part.

it will be hard, but it will be good

it's hard not to take life personally sometimes...particularly when you look at your losses or failures and realize that the common denominator in all of them is you.

anyone who knows me well knows that i analyze things. A LOT. i have a very difficult time not picking apart the pieces of just about everything and examining them bit by bit. i think i've traced it all back to my toddler-hood when instead of riding my tricycle, i took it all apart and put it back together again....i had no idea how telling that would be of my life.... anyhow, when i use these analyzing skills appropriately, the results are positive. other times, well, i tend to destruct any hope i have left.

right now i am faced with several choices. the results of some of my decisions (some just dumb, some out of fear, some right/correct but hard to bravely face) are staring at me point blank right now and causing my head to spin. and like my usual self, i'm wanting to break down everything into pieces and figure out how to put them back together again, hoping that i won't make the same mistake (if it was a mistake) next time. everything in me is trying to do things the way i've always done it - very methodically, very intricately; i put my examiner glasses on, take responsibility for virtually everything, beat myself up about what went wrong, and wonder if any good will ever come from me. sound dramatic?!

here's the thing though. i don't want to be dramatic. i don't think of myself as a high drama person, though when i look at my life, it is filled with drama because of my analyzation. i'm learning that one of the things that scares me most is when i'm caught in a venerable moment and my drama is revealed to, or in the worst cases, vomited on those that i care about. interestingly enough though, the cry of my heart/the word that keeps coming to my mind for the last few weeks of my life has been "intimacy." i want it, i long for it,i've prayed about it, had others pray for me about it, thought about it, etc. still, it is intimacy that is most frightening to me. being intimate is risky, and i suck at taking risks. in fact, i was just telling a friend yesterday (who happens to be one of the unfortunate individuals who i "vomited" on not long after i met him and freaked him out- poor guy) that if i could be good at anything, i wish i could be better at taking risks. instead of babbling more though,i'd like to attempt to make a point, so i shall type a series of equations:

revealing me to others (a.k.a. intimacy) = revealing my drama
revealing my drama = taking a risk
taking a risk = something i'm not good at but want
intimacy = something else i want
intimacy = taking the risk of revealing my drama

i guess i'm afraid of this risk because it seems like more often than not, when i put myself out there, my drama is not understood and/or resonated with, and people back away, so i feel like a freak. this freakiness can be a turn off to some. i don't want to turn anyone off; in fact, i strongly desire to put people at ease and make them feel welcome and relaxed. how i'm supposed to take this risk of drama revelation/intimacy and come off looking sane and not scaring the world around me, i don't know. i don't think i'm very good at it. history in some ways would suggest that my assessment is accurate. i often feel like a freak as a result. i guess it's not a risk if you know the outcome though; go figure.

all this being said, i suppose i should thank all of you that are my dear friends and have not run away from me screaming. your willingness to simply stick around and not cover your eyes and hit me with a club shouting, "freak! freak!" is amazing to me. and i do mean that sincerely. i must also give a shout out to God who also never runs away from me screaming and actually calls me to bring before Him more of my drama for the sake of knowing the drama He can also bring to the table. crazy stuff.

still, i long to be fully intimate with someone and have them be fully intimate with me. and i keep trying, but to no avail. should i keep trying? i want to, even though the more i try, the more it seems like i am found to be a freak.

when it all boils down to it, i suppose we all just want to be fully known (whether we realize it or not). and as for me? well,i'd really like to get out of the garage of tools and pieces and learn to just ride my tricycle...

the real question is...?

1. why haven't i posted since august?

2. why am i now living by myself when i said earlier on this blog that i didn't think i ever would?

3. why am i so hot?

4. who else thinks that steven colbert running for president is hilarious and fantastic?

5. who ate at lidia's today and ate way more delicious food than should be allowed by one person?

6. what is your favorite color?

7. when did k-fed become the better choice?

8. when am i going to say something interesting on this site?

9. who signed me up to receive men's vogue?

10.who put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-shu-bop?


10 points to the person to correctly identify my real question. GO!

"they had to put their hands on it and play"

there is a reason i stay up late when i'm not working, and there is also a reason why now having cable for the first time in a few years may just ruin me. at about 1:00a.m. the other night i stumbled upon an infomercial that may just change my life, or at least potentially ruin an entire population of future pianists. the roll out keyboard. "now everyone can get it on the action!"

i took several snap shots of my television to document such an event, but really, i shouldn't taint your views with mine about this product. wait! this is MY blog and when has anything stopped me before?

do please check out giovanni, the "mastermind" behind this phenomenon, who basically is a mix of john tesh and yanni...i mean, when you think about it, the name "giovanni" is almost a combination of both names, save the "v." perhaps v is for vendetta in my case, because someone has murdered the beauty that is the piano and the proper technique that comes with actually learning to play from a piano teacher on an actual piano with non-flat keys. convenience is ruining the nation. but, the thought of this gadget being played as part of a band, or being pulled out for a family fun sing-a-long gave me a good laugh, so thanks for the memories gio.

if you ever decide to buy such a product, be assured that i would have to come check it out for myself, but do be forewarned that i may just have to burn it afterwards... even though it has more gadgets than my expensive full size keyboard. technology - the loathing and the loving....

I've been tagged....randomly....

So Rustin "tagged" me on his blog for the following "game." I can't believe I'm participating in this, but then of course, the biggest shocker is that Rustin participated in it first... Here are the rules:

1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

Well, here it goes:

1. I'm kind of addicted to caffeine, and I drink Diet Dr. Pepper so much that I'm at the point where I can drink it right before I go to bed and have no trouble sleeping. Caffeine is not a stimulant to me.
2. I once went on a date in a semi. I'm not even joking.
3. I am obsessed with places I've never been...namely Ireland (my homeland) and Maine (because of the book Sarah, Plain and Tall from my youth). I do plan on going both places some day.
4. I have a fondness for romantic comedies about women who are older and accomplished, but have lost or have never truly found love, then happen to find it in the course of the movie. A lot of them happen to involve actresses like Diane Keaton. I had a friend ask me why I thought I liked those types of movies once, and there's probably some deep insight into my life I could share right now, but I will refrain from letting my blog be my therapist right now.
5. My right, front tooth is fake. You can tell when I dawn a large smile because you can see the metal plate to which the crown is attached. There's a lot of history there actually, but the short story is that it's a result of a 7th grade basketball accident where I went teeth first into the gym floor.
6. When I'm playing piano by myself and my roommate comes home, I automatically stop playing and do this weird thing where I run into another room like I was doing something else entirely. This has happened for almost a decade now.
7. I am a self-proclaimed expert at unrequited love. Still, I try to write this off as making me more like Christ - there's lots of people He loves and has demonstrated His love for in far greater ways than me, and they don't love Him back. This makes me sad - mostly for Jesus since I know that it's always worth it to love Him back.
8. I love to write, and let's face it, whether I want it to be or not, this blog, among other things, is a form of therapy for me. I really like using commas too.

Okay, so I'm tagging y'all - if you don't have a blog, create one, or just leave your post in my comment section. You do have interesting things to say - otherwise I wouldn't be friends with you :)

Tiffany
Kim
Nadia (because she needs to post. seriously)
Jami
Donna
Beth Dixon (I know you're out there reading this Beth!)
Doug (Igford's counterpart)
Mallory

why i have issues with "patriotism"

it's so interesting - when i was younger, i used to LOVE the 4th of july. i loved spending the day in town (breaks into some varied version of "thank God i'm a country boy"), having bbq's, shooting fireworks, going down to the ball fields (the happenin' place around town), and actually wearing red, white, and blue or something with an american flag on it. i wrote an 8th grade essay about the importance of voting, and won a full size american flag for an essay i wrote in 5th grade. with each passing year of my adult life however, i find myself becoming less and less "patriotic" and almost becoming cynical about the crap that goes on here in america. am i evil for this? i'm not so sure.

ironically, this fits right in line with some of my most recent posts. i don't know if it's a result of a generation gap, or just a great difference of opinion, but i receive similar emails quite regularly from both of my grandmas on the topic that i am addressing here. this kind of thing DOES NOT scream "i'm thankful and grateful for my freedom" in my opinion, and makes me rather irate (if you couldn't already tell that this was going to be a ranting post).


i received the side bar pic as a forward from one of my grandmas today, and the more i read, the more irritated i became. (click on the pic and hopefully it will enlarge to a more readable state) i'm sure that with the immigration bill just being a big item topic in the political realm within the last week or so, and me recently listening to a LOT of national public radio (which i heart), this issue has been on my mind quite a bit lately. still, i just can't quite seem to get over how narrow minded some people can be in the name of "patriotism" and "love" for "their" country. i would be really interested to see what you, my readers, think about what was said here. do you agree? am i being way too harsh in thinking that these sentiments are crap? i really do want to hear your opinions, even if in stark contrast to mine...

patriotism as defined by my fabulous iBook dictionary is: a person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors. i think there is perhaps something to be said for this. i am certainly grateful to the millions of men and women who have died in pursuit of the freedoms i know in this country, but i think that things like this email forward have little to nothing to do with those people. although there is a definite danger of going so far over to the anti-patriotism side of life that's not healthy, i think there is GREAT danger in also looking at the world or america through "patriot" glasses. what really constitutes our "rights"? the constitution? people's interpretations of the constitution (which are widely varied)? why are we so concerned about our rights anyway? is it just because we want to be comfortable? is it because we want things to be our way or the highway? life and liberty, that i can get behind, but the pursuit of happiness? is happiness really what we should be pursuing? isn't that relative? won't some people's pursuits inheritantly get in the way of other people's pursuits? are we more concerned about policy than people? what is freedom anyway, and (granted i am certainly looking at this with my "Christian" glasses on, and i admit that) why do we think true freedom can be found in policies and laws, and having everyone be "legal" and paying taxes and offending or not offending other people and not found in Jesus? it's unfortunate to me that this country is thought to be based on Christianity. maybe it truly was at one point, but it seems as if every country in the world seems to have repeated lessons of missing the point (mostly because not everyone can agree what the point is), including (and in some cases maybe even moreso) america.

i am grateful that i can write this here on a website to be available to the world and not be punished for sharing my questions and opinions, and it's that "independence" that i will celebrate today. but i say that what we all should be looking at what we are dependent on, and examine that for once. are we relying on what we really want to be relying on or are we defending a lie or our own personal hangups in the name of "patriotism" or our fierce desire to be "independent"? life and liberty are not about me getting my way or having done what i think is best. in fact, i'm struggling every day to first depend on the God that loves me, and then the amazing people (humanity) that he's given me to live my life with. it's amazing how independence has the letter "i" in it, as does patriotism, which brings me full circle with the title of this post, and thus ends my rant, for now! happy examine your dependence day! (okay, so that changed this whole thing into some cheesy Christian sentiment, but whatever)

p.s. i didn't even start in with my opinions about the "language" issues the email forward brought up - in the words of molly shannon's standup SNL skit character, "don't get me started. don't even get me started!"

free love on the freelove freeway

i figured since it is half way through 2007 now (i can't even really believe it) and i'm starting my 27th year of life (turning 26 - for my confused readers, think hard - it does make sense), i thought i'd make a list of the music that's rocked my year so far. logically, i should probably make my list have something to do with the number 7, (you know 2007, 27th year) but in reality my preface has little to nothing to do with my post, and i'm just going to list music for the heck of it.

albums that i've listened to A LOT so far since the start of 2007:

speak for yourself - imogen heap
back to basics (discs 1 and 2)- christina aguilera
stripped - christina aguilera
till the sun turns black - ray lamontagne
a fever you can't sweat out - panic! at the disco
keep it together - guster
songs that rocked the lar-dawg - (jeff larison's fave songs of 2006 compilation)
futuresex/lovesounds - justin timberlake
arise - an anonymous project
blueprints for the black market - anberlin
cities - anberlin
never take friendship personal - anberlin
remember right now - spitalfield
sink or swim - waterdeep
the khrusty brothers - the khrusty brothers
it won't be soon before long - maroon 5

other artists that have stirred me...

patty griffin
bleed the dream
brand new
the early november
led zeppelin
brilliant geographers
the dan doran band (local band)
chris daughtry (interestingly enough)
explosions in the sky
saosin
jennifer knapp (old school stuff)
silers bald (old school laura story version)
rufus wainright
the waybacks (coming to lawrence june 10th-11th by the way :)

why did i bother posting this? like my blog says - who knows where thoughts come from? they just appear...

grandmas and faith handkerchiefs PART 1

i got an interesting piece of mail the other day...

the envelope read "God's Holy Spirit instructed us to loan you this to start turning things around for you. So, here it is." naturally, i opened it.

inside, i found the following (see above). as a minister for more than 50 years, the "pastor" that sent me this read, and reread the Bible and determined that God instructed ministers to send "Bible faith handkerchiefs" to people so that miracles of blessings could occur (based on Acts 19:11,12 - read for yourself what the scripture actually says). who knew all i had to do was send people holy snot rags? on this paper 'chief, i was instructed to write my name in the center, with the name of a loved one i wanted prayer for below it and place it in my Bible at the Acts passage at night while i slept.

i found this experience to be very holy and helpful in my walk with the Lord.

along with the blessings that were assuredly going to be mine once i returned this faith handkerchief in the mail to "st. matthew's churches" at a p.o. box address in tulsa, oklahoma, i was also encouraged to pray about "sowing a biblical seed offering unto the Lord" for "this is the work of God that this church is doing." i had no idea God was calling me to give him seeds this whole time. i thought i was called to tithe money, likely to the church of which i am a part. apparently not.

there were many stories of how these B.f.h.'s "worked" in people's lives. people going off "dope," getting out of jail, receiving checks in the mail, etc. and amazingly enough, they had become "seed harvest members." how coincidental!

even more wonderful is that i had a special sealed prophesy to speak words of wisdom in my life, though i was NOT to open it until after sundown on the day that i sent my 'chief back. after getting on the internets and finding out that this whole thing was officially a scam (i thought about sending just the 'chief back to see what happened - some informal research if you will), i opened the sealed prophesy, even though i had broken the "rules" and was to have destroyed the prophesy without reading it because it was of a "spiritual nature." oops! and let me tell you, the prophesy wasn't at all general and was very applicable to ONLY my life. or something like that...

i shall leave you with what my favorite picture was. a picture, i'm assuming, from "Biblical times" since Kodak was strong to quite strong back then, of what i assume is Paul giving a Bible faith handkerchief (that looks just like mine!) to a sick person. that's so life giving.

i once was blind, but now i see. i once was money, now i'm a "seed." i once used direct communcation with the living God in prayer, now i just use my paper Bible faith handkerchief and put it in the mail. ask yourself: WWPD?

grandmas and faith handkerchiefs PART 2

because you'll likely read what's above this as PART 1 first...

i've had a few blog-worthy things come up lately, and i must admit that i was more tempted to do one of my more serious "what i've been learning" posts, but decided against it because sometimes life is just funny and the world needs to know about it.

thus, i take you on a journey.

first of all, i love my grandmothers. really, i do. however, i'm pretty sure that i'm not much like either one of them...case in point, their love for email forwards. i am very proud of one of my grandmas who used to send approximately 3 forwards a day, because she generally limits herself to one a week now after multiple grandchildren complained and confessed to her that we automatically deleted them. her lesson was also learned when we accidently deleted her request for a Christmas list last year, mistaking it for another "you're going to have bad luck for 7 years if you don't send this to 30 of your closest friends" sorta thing.

anyway, i got a kick out of both of my grandmas this week as they both sent their own "inspirational" emails...my favorite part about the link below (via email forward) was that my grandma had already sent it to me before a month or so ago, but the first time in the body of the email it read "Words of wisdom from a 98-year-old senior citizen who shares her thoughts on love." this time the preface for the link was "I hope you enjoy this slide show. It meant a lot to me and I wanted to pass it on to you, so that you know you are loved." please meet the sap within and watch what's at the following link:

http://www.doyourememberlove.com/musiconly.html

oh, and pretty please watch the accompanying explanation that follows the picture escapade. you will learn that this "98-year-old senior citizen" is not exactly a person...and in fact this link was created by a man that wrote a book about meditating with his dog.

my other grandma's forward (along with some just fabulous jpegs of characters that should've never been created) taught me the following things: that i am one of the 10 prettiest ladies on her friends list, elvis impersonators are "losers," apparently it's okay to make claymation-like pictures of old people wearing things like speedos and bikinis, that i was supposed to "hit" 10 pretty ladies (which i didn't, because even pretty people don't like to get punched in the face...seriously), and that it's okay to send your granddaughter an email forward that also says "If you get hit again you know you're really pretty. If you break the chain you'll have ugliness for 10 years." i'm planning on taking my next 10-year stint of ugliness and becoming a mime. i'm told that ugliness is covered up well by white make up and not talking. i guess it confirms that whole notion of "i won't be getting married for a long time" thing...unless ugly mime love is the best love...

they do apparently care enough to send the VERY best...

something to hold on to...

first thing of the day: i went mcdonald's for breakfast before work this morning (which i very rarely do) and happened to catch a quick glimpse of the top half of the guy's face in front of me, via his rearview mirror. i must admit, i thought - huh, he's kind of cute. this thought was quickly dashed away however, when i caught a look at his full face...and what did i see? A HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE! eeww! serves me right for checking out guys in kck at a mcdonald's...

secondly, i am about to lose my mind right now because my co-worker has loudly been playing (what i've googled and found out is) taylor hicks' song "do i make you proud?" next door on repeat! my answer to that question is, NO! you do NOT make me proud, but you do annoy the crap out of me! this is time number 7 that i'm hearing this song in a row! AAHHH! have i ever posted a blog about how much i dislike self-empowerment, feel-good about yourself and what you've overcome ballads? well, if i haven't, now's the time i shall rant. i strongly dislike them, and i think they're crap to put it lightly. even my beloved christina aguilera's song "beautiful" makes me kind of want to vomit...and i think christina kicks most people's asses musically. the low point of my musical endeavors? when i actually sang "wind beneath my wings" in high school for a spring concert. i still can't believe i did....i didn't even like that song!

rant completed. i'm worn out now....and sadly find myself singing the question, "do i make you proud?"...(cries...)

tent time!

in the tent
Originally uploaded by shalinn.

'tis a rare thing when i get to hang out with truly delightful children that i love. i know that i hang with kiddos everyday at work, but i don't often get to have fun with them, throwing agendas to the side. today was different however...other than the fact that according to my little friend maliyah, we had an agenda: to make a tent.

i promised her a few weeks ago when she asked if she could come to my house, that we would make a tent since i didn't have many toys. she apparently kept mentioning to her mom, leslie, over and over, that she wanted to come over, and today was the day that we made her dreams a reality. four chairs, a couple of sheets, a smurf, a frog, some pillows, and some washcloths (aka "towels" which were must haves according to the little miss) later, we were set. we actually didn't tent it too long before growing restless (and by getting interrupted by a couple of odd looking blokes at the door that were in a "communications" program and wanted me to buy something from them so that THEY could go to cancun, mexico - i didn't fall for it by the way) but we did have some fabulous time later with some "basketballs" (otherwise known as a soccer ball and volleyball) outside. the porch swing also brought forth some delight as maliyah both was the pushed, and the pusher with her bulging 3-year-old biceps. her smile, and her reluctance to go visit starbucks with les and i were endearing. *inserts some comment about how any child wary of leaving the front yard for the overpriced mega-coffee-emporium is a smart child*

good times were had by all (including when the cancun-ers came back by and asked if i was a photographer)... stay tuned for further adventures...

...including the further adventures of spider-man, which i've still yet to see...

walkin' into spiderwebs...

why it takes me so long to blog about anything, i will never know. except for the fact that i do know. and that reason's because although i spend dubious amounts of time on my mac (get your mind out of the gutter, you readers that make everything dirty - i'm talking about my iBook), i generally require inspiration before i post. and, well, i'm apparently only getting inspiration about once a month these days.

i suppose i've had all sorts of more somber life occurances and lessons on my mind as of late, and only take the time to be witty in the presence of a select few. work's overwhelming, i'm in general just tired, i'm overcome with feelings and prayers about the fallen state of the world (one of my co-workers was shot in the ward parkway incident for instance), and last week there was this guy driving behind me on the way to work who i noticed in my rearview mirror. when i peered into my mirror at the next stop light, i saw that this man had placed a blonde wig on his head and was taunting the driver waiting at the light beside him. after a few minutes of my disbelief and laughter, i saw the man take the wig off and return to "normal" or whatever version of "normal" is possible when you're a man that voluntarily wears women's wigs in traffic. all this is true by the way, and i mix the lighthearted in with the serious mostly because 1) i want to see how close you're reading this, and 2) you probably would assume with my last couple of posts that i'm serious all the time now, and you would be wright. or riong. or something like that.

ANYWAY, my blogging inspiration today came from the anticipated spider-man 3 movie synopsis below. i forgot it was even coming out this weekend until i got my weekly AMC MovieWatcher Review Newsletter - i guess i thought the month of may seemed so far off, and now it is not only upon me, but onup me. i don't even know what that means. so, don't ask. i got unusually excited over the following account:

Spider-Man 3 (PG-13); Nationwide
Peter Parker has finally managed to strike a balance between his devotion to M.J. and his duties as a superhero. But there is a storm brewing on the horizon. When his suit suddenly changes, turning jet-black and enhancing his powers, it transforms Peter as well, bringing out the dark, vengeful side of his personality that he is struggling to control. Under the influence of the suit, Peter becomes overconfident and starts to neglect the people who care about him most. Forced to choose between the seductive power of the new suit and the compassionate hero he used to be, Peter must overcome his personal demons as two of the most-feared villains yet, Sandman and Venom, gather unparalleled power and a thirst for retribution to threaten Peter and everyone he loves.
(thanks the AMC MW R N 5/2/2007 for this)

it kind of gave me chills - partially because i see all sorts of parallels to reality and life in the good/evil scheme it reveals- the evil power that corrupts and erodes the most wholesome souls, and the struggle to fight for your true self and those around you so that good may prevail. beautiful. exciting.

(oh, and the other reason is that spidey is also my favorite superhero.) i can't believe i'm admitting this, but i haven't even seen the first spiderman movie, though i'm tempted to go rent it now, even as i write this...i have documentation of my likey of spidey though, via this pic i took of a diet dr. pepper can a couple years ago when the S2 movie was made. i got all excited to take random pictures with my (then) new digital camera, and i was happy with the result. ironically for me, i just uploaded that pic to my flickr account along with my friends' wedding pictures from that same summer. i went and saw the second movie on the evening of that (afternoon) wedding in minnesota with the bride's sister and cousin. i tell you this only because that digital camera i was so excited about then has since broken, and i, in the last week just bought a new digital camera, hence why i'm into flickring...thus brings me to the opening of the third movie, and my continuing excitement, end scene.

anyone wanna see it with me?

to the point...

He loved to the point of death
and in death, made the reality
of His love known,
so that we might have life,
knowing that His death and His life
is what makes it possible
for us to love
to the point of death,
which is the only way to truly live.


As the altar was stripped, and the red fabric was torn from the cross hanging at the pinnacle of the sanctuary, I couldn't help but realize that Jesus was stripped, naked, exposed for everyone to see...and that was His plan. Over and over again, in the darkness and stark reality of the moment, I kept thinking to myself "love to the point of death." How much love it takes to be exposed fully for everything you are, be the only one who's blameless and sees reality, and love those who reject you to the point of death. My reaction was tears and confession followed by prayer and a desire to know the God that loves me, so that I too may bleed His love to the point of death. What a privilege to have that calling, and what great and amazing life that brings - the Gospel truly is the best news.

The essence of this scripture is what was preached on tonight - I have loved this passage ever since God taught it to my heart as I memorized it for a summer job I had. It is truth, and it speaks beyond my mere words.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,
if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete
by being like-minded, having the same love, being one
in spirit and purpose.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God
something to be grasped, but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth
and under the earth, and every tongue confess
that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2: 1-11

i love.

i love going to quick trip and making myself a cherry, vanilla, diet dr. pepper.

i love going to movies in the theatre by myself.

i love me a truffle shuffle concrete from sheridan's.

i love that i bought speakers to hook up to my iBook. music loud, is grand indeed.

i love music that makes me dance and stirs my soul, and

i love music that sparks a hint of seduction in me (not gonna lie).

i love having quick comebacks and witty replies, over and over again.

i love playing my keyboard and singing by myself, imagining i am on stage, or in front of God.

i love to laugh so hard that my sides ache.

i love when people i love catch me by surprise.

i love day-dreaming of exotic adventures and passionate love.

i love seeing God's plans unravel before my eyes.

i love a good glass of beer.

i love a hearty cry.

i love lamp.

i love seeing people realize their dreams.

i love that i don't give up on anyone. no matter what.

i love feeling beautiful.

i love being my raw, true self and having that truth spurred on in me by others, as well as being the one that encourages others to be their true selves.

a couple of you know that these last few weeks for me have been, well, rough. emotionally laden, somewhat isolating, full of heartache, and also so full of reality that i could hardly stand it. i found myself in a situation with a dear friend (a boy no less) where i was perhaps truly the most myself that i've ever been. i didn't even realize how full of life i felt being known so well and actually understood. i wasn't trying to let myself out of my personal cage so to speak, but i found that i didn't even know how risky and adventurous i had become until i peered around at my wild surroundings, realized that i could actually be comfortable there, and then was faced with the reality that sometimes those people who know us and understand us best and even call us out into the wild, don't choose to be with us. i'm sure you can put two and two together as to the situation that unfolded between me and this friend, but it's not just that that i wish to comment on.

i often wonder what people's lives are like when they don't have a relationship with God, when they don't know His abundant grace, His love for them, His heart to heal their wounds etc. and they live their lives trying to find validation in other people, possessions, feelings, success, whatever, all the time not knowing that in those pursuits they're never going to find what they're searching for. it absolutely tears me apart. i am also cut to the core by those who know God, and yet have a hard time taking Him at His word, not realizing that He can be a helper and a guide, and not seeing or choosing the strength He offers them. i also wonder what people's lives are like that don't have true, Godly friends that will stand beside them during the sweet times of life, as well as the pain and hurt and remind them always of God's truth and their worth as His children. most recently, i have become very passionate about the ALPHA ministry at my church, and just can't get enough of seeing and being a part of God's transforming work and healing in people's lives that did not previously know Him. but, sometimes i forget that it's not just others that need God's work and healing, but also me. there have been several friends that have come alongside me in this journey of brokenness, and they have helped keep me strong, remind of what is good and true, and have continued to point me to God. i love them, and am eternally grateful. God also chose to use a lady at church whom i barely know to tell me softly during a prayer time that God wanted me to rest in the love that He had for me. i didn't know what that exactly meant for me several weeks ago when she told me this, but i think i get it more fully now.

after some additional prompting from a woman who frequently seems to be as the audible voice of God to me, i decided a few days ago after a couple of weeks of wrestling with God, perhaps the most intense tears of heartache i've ever experienced to date, multiple imaginary conversations in my head, falling on my face literally in prayer, and what i can only describe as hopeful hopelessness, to move on, to seek God in ways that i hadn't tried yet, and to try and learn about the truth that God wanted me to hear. i picked up a book i read that had been instrumental in my life a couple of years ago, and just today finished reading it for now my second time. God used that book, along with scripture to help me walk through some past hurts, throw off lies i had believed, and realize that He always will be my greatest adventure, my valiant rescuer, my only savior, my life-changing healer, and the one who knows me, delights in me, and romances me because i simply looked to Him and sought who He is. how encouraging that i have a God that promises to always come to me when i come to Him!

and what's more? i don't have to be afraid of being my raw, true, often quirky self because even if certain people don't quite get me the way that others do, or even if i'm rejected when i present myself to people, i have beloved friends that stick by me and try their darndest to understand me at my weirdest, and what's best is that i have re-grounded myself and learned to rest in the love of a mighty God that continues to call me out into that wilderness of being real. i have and know love. and therefore, i love.

wee me, plee? z

how cool am i? seriously... you too could be a little person, rockin' out and dancin' to the sweet jams at the discotheque with your irish flag in hand, and may i say, a rather angelic looking face, minus the uh, halo (which is optional by the way).

thank you rustin for the link and inspiration.

like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...

first of all, i cannot for the life of me figure out why a sample "label" for any post according to blogger.com would logically be "scooters," when the other sample options are "vacation," or "fall," but i guess that's why i don't earn the big bucks.

scooters is also incidentally the name of a coffee house, which to me is just plain wrong because any eating or drinking establishment that automatically makes me think of unmentionables in the restroom is disturbing and should be banished from the earth. my kid's book would say "no two scooters are not on fire..." thanks strongbad.

substance in this particular blog will be hard to come by, but the nonsensical is often that which is most freeing for me, so i share this personal liberation with you, friends. my random banter has been a frequent occurrence as of late, mostly thanks to the continual musings i have with my friend dylan over text messages. who knew that a form of communication that i shunned and mocked even just 5 months ago would be such a creative outlet for me? i certainly did not. i also got to thinking after recently watching the movie "the crow" that being an avid skateboard/(and in this case)scooter user would strengthen one leg and leave the other leg weak and hopeless, also making you eventually walk very lop-sided like. to clarify for my technologically advanced readers, we're not talking vespas or vehicles for the elderly here folks...i'm still awaiting good ol' back to the future hoverboards ...while in the mean time, i find myself running, and running, and looking forward to more running for prolonged periods of time...life is strange indeed.

not much rhymes with 7

now that it's 2007, i decided to make a list of things/people that made 2006 for me. so, here goes...

PEOPLE:
*Thomas Hernandez (former boyfriend)
*Rustin Smith (friend/musician/teacher)
*Sarah Schultz (friend/roommate)
*Leslie Tripp (band leader/song writer/friend)
*Dylan Reiter (friend/musician)
*Mario (not Lopez/hot guy/Mexican)
*Mallory Ginn (sister)
*Christy Tatum (CFY supervisor at work)
*Maya Needham (friend)
*Erin Gurss (friend)
*A.W. (student with autism)
*Josie McClernon (coworker/friend)
*Andrew Elliott (former coworker)
*Susan and Gary Ripple (friends/pseudo parents)
*Moses (the coolest African I know)
*Morgan Spurlock (documentary film maker)

MUSIC:
*Ray Lamontagne
*Panic! At the Disco
*The Raconteurs
*OutKast
*Casey Driessen
*Mae
*The Waybacks
*The Greencards
*Lynn Miles
*Haley Dykes
*Damone
*Badly Drawn Boy

EXPERIENCES:
*finishing my Clinical Fellowship Year at work
*having a boyfriend
*rediscovering kissing
*the Mill Creek band
*ALPHA conference
*Christ Church ALPHA
*Autism conference
*Leslie Tripp (the band, the people, the music)
*living with Lucy (the dog, the pain, the legend)
*moving again
*house sitting for my aunt
*receiving unsettling letters about my future job status in the mail
*my parents moving
*working at Chick African Schule school
*small group
*seeing A Prairie Home Companion not once, but twice, and the conversation witnessed between Sarah and Donna as I was seated in the back seat of Donna's car in the parking lot after the second viewing
*seeing good friends get engaged, married, or have babies
*starting to think about what I want to do with my life and not being afraid of dreaming again

MOVIES (both discovered, and new):
*Dave Chappelle's Block Party
*Word Wars
*Wordplay
*In Her Shoes
*RIZE
*The Prestige
*The Pursuit of Happyness
*The Holiday
*V for Vendetta
*the long awaited For Your Consideration
*Prime
*Proof

OTHER FAVES:
*Project Runway
*24
*30 Days
*Tide to Go
*coffee (who knew?)
*Lipton Green Tea
*salsa dancing
*screen printing (thank you Sarah)
*$5 weekday movies at the Ward Parkway AMC
*Forever 21
*Progressive Auto Insurance
*my 1st pair of Pumas
*Take It To the Limit
*Core Rhythms
*still having a job
*Netflix


thanks to all of you for reading this blog, and being a part of my life. happy 2007!