it's hard not to take life personally sometimes...particularly when you look at your losses or failures and realize that the common denominator in all of them is you.
anyone who knows me well knows that i analyze things. A LOT. i have a very difficult time not picking apart the pieces of just about everything and examining them bit by bit. i think i've traced it all back to my toddler-hood when instead of riding my tricycle, i took it all apart and put it back together again....i had no idea how telling that would be of my life.... anyhow, when i use these analyzing skills appropriately, the results are positive. other times, well, i tend to destruct any hope i have left.
right now i am faced with several choices. the results of some of my decisions (some just dumb, some out of fear, some right/correct but hard to bravely face) are staring at me point blank right now and causing my head to spin. and like my usual self, i'm wanting to break down everything into pieces and figure out how to put them back together again, hoping that i won't make the same mistake (if it was a mistake) next time. everything in me is trying to do things the way i've always done it - very methodically, very intricately; i put my examiner glasses on, take responsibility for virtually everything, beat myself up about what went wrong, and wonder if any good will ever come from me. sound dramatic?!
here's the thing though. i don't want to be dramatic. i don't think of myself as a high drama person, though when i look at my life, it is filled with drama because of my analyzation. i'm learning that one of the things that scares me most is when i'm caught in a venerable moment and my drama is revealed to, or in the worst cases, vomited on those that i care about. interestingly enough though, the cry of my heart/the word that keeps coming to my mind for the last few weeks of my life has been "intimacy." i want it, i long for it,i've prayed about it, had others pray for me about it, thought about it, etc. still, it is intimacy that is most frightening to me. being intimate is risky, and i suck at taking risks. in fact, i was just telling a friend yesterday (who happens to be one of the unfortunate individuals who i "vomited" on not long after i met him and freaked him out- poor guy) that if i could be good at anything, i wish i could be better at taking risks. instead of babbling more though,i'd like to attempt to make a point, so i shall type a series of equations:
revealing me to others (a.k.a. intimacy) = revealing my drama
revealing my drama = taking a risk
taking a risk = something i'm not good at but want
intimacy = something else i want
intimacy = taking the risk of revealing my drama
i guess i'm afraid of this risk because it seems like more often than not, when i put myself out there, my drama is not understood and/or resonated with, and people back away, so i feel like a freak. this freakiness can be a turn off to some. i don't want to turn anyone off; in fact, i strongly desire to put people at ease and make them feel welcome and relaxed. how i'm supposed to take this risk of drama revelation/intimacy and come off looking sane and not scaring the world around me, i don't know. i don't think i'm very good at it. history in some ways would suggest that my assessment is accurate. i often feel like a freak as a result. i guess it's not a risk if you know the outcome though; go figure.
all this being said, i suppose i should thank all of you that are my dear friends and have not run away from me screaming. your willingness to simply stick around and not cover your eyes and hit me with a club shouting, "freak! freak!" is amazing to me. and i do mean that sincerely. i must also give a shout out to God who also never runs away from me screaming and actually calls me to bring before Him more of my drama for the sake of knowing the drama He can also bring to the table. crazy stuff.
still, i long to be fully intimate with someone and have them be fully intimate with me. and i keep trying, but to no avail. should i keep trying? i want to, even though the more i try, the more it seems like i am found to be a freak.
when it all boils down to it, i suppose we all just want to be fully known (whether we realize it or not). and as for me? well,i'd really like to get out of the garage of tools and pieces and learn to just ride my tricycle...
