Friday, March 17, 2006

Erin go bra.

Autism + St. Patrick's Day = St. Autistic's Day, a day inspired by the blessed holiday of beer drinking, getting "jiggy" wit it, and many an attractive male kissing me because I'm Irish (some of you may be thinking, isn't that most nights for you Shalinn? and to that I say, go shamrock yourself - it's none of your business, unless of course you are one of the attractive males to which I referred, in which case I'm not going to be one to complain if you decide to come around more often than on the 17th of March). St. Autistic's Day (which actually occurred for me Wednesday, Mar. 15th) was actually a day of spiritual renewal of sorts, though it probably had more to do with “Lord” Michael Flatley than the Lord Jesus Christ and those such as St. Patrick who trinitized Ireland with his shamrock analogies and the subsequent removal of snakes/Satan.

The St. Autistic that has inspired generations to come: an 11-year-old male student that's on the autism spectrum and is currently going through puberty (he's the one that said "uh, your sister, she fine!"). As of late, he's been obsessed with Axe body spray and has been coming to school drenched in its aroma, not to mention bringing it to school everyday so that the minute he loses his stench, he can dip himself in the springs of cologne and become a man once more. This particular day his fellow student was wearing Bod body spray, so along with my freakishly warm room and my personal “Very Sexy for her by Victoria’s Secret” fragrance, the smells were a flyin’ and a mixin’ in that junior high dance where everyone’s overdone it on the perfume/cologne to try and be cool and individualistic but when you’re all together sweatin’ on the dance floor you wish everyone smelled like teen spirit instead of the entire fragrance counter at Dillard’s sort of way. Pa, you taught me that the scent of a woman’s hair can drive a man WILD, but needless to say, I’ll be monitoring the mixture of fragrances before I pick those students up again because that kind of wild is uncalled for.

So, we’re talking about some St. Patrick’s Day vocabulary and the “Axe” student is having a super hard time paying attention. Of course, since his mind is one place and his natural “feelings” regarding the opposite sex of which he is not cognoscente of in the slightest because he’s pretty low cognitively, he’s silently staring at my breasts for the majority of the time, and occasionally adjusting himself. This was not overly alarming as he is not the first student I’ve dealt with that has bodily responses of which he is not aware, but I had no idea what this student’s mind would do once it actually started to almost catch up with his body’s “thoughts.” Out of no where, he picks up the paper we’re working on, sits back in his chair and starts making up a story about me that began with something like this, “Once upon a time, Miss Ginn was a lovely lady. Miss Ginn was sitting in her chair. Miss Ginn was teaching her students……..(the student goes on and on coming up with random things to say about me, and then “concludes” his story with the following)….Miss Ginn has pretty brown, I mean, what color are they? (looks) Miss Ginn has pretty sky blue eyes and she is SO beautiful….and sexy.”

What a gift. Being called sexy by an 11-year-old who barely knows up from down. Very sweet kid, means well, but comes up with the most hilariously inappropriate things that would make my friend Sarah Schultz cringe, blush and say something in her “this is awkward get me the hell out of here voice” like, “Ohhhh. That’s nice.”

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I'm N Luv (Wit a Snicker)....

everybody always tends to ask me about what i do for a living, and when i try and explain to them that i'm not a teacher even though i work at an elementary school, they just get confused. and when i try to explain what a language disorder is, i get blank stares.

this being said, however, i do feel obliged to share some of the crazy-ass school quotes i have because sometimes work stories are just plain funny. here are a few of the recent doozies.

1. my coworker/friend andrew stops me in the hall today and tells me that one of his students (normally developing mind you) wrote a song this morning called "i'm n luv wit a snicker" - and she wants to bite it, chew it... a brief time later i was walking back down the hall and heard one of his other students say to the rest of the class: "HAMMER TIME!" and start doing m.c.'s shuffle dance down the hallway. classic.

2. i have a student that often has trouble behaving like he's supposed to, and in turn often acts very silly, not to mention that he has a language delay and is difficult often times to understand. yesterday, he grabs his nipples and starts saying "look at my nipples" in an effort to make the other student with him laugh. in an honest effort to try and make the student realize that having nipples does not make him special (and therefore deserve attention), i say "everyone's got nipples - not just you." his eyes got huge as he peers up at me and says "you've got them too? BOOBIES!" needless to say i was mortified at the can of worms i opened up, but luckily it quickly resolved and i was able to divert the conversation to other places, besides body parts.

3. another student of mine has this thing with saying "talk to the hand" frequently. mind you, the word hand is actually pronounced with the "ah" sound as in the name hans. this student also told me he likes to do karate and kung fu with his cousin - apparently he likes mixing british pronunciations with oriental body movements. what a combo.

4. i had a little girl student look at a picture of a black bird feather the other day and ask me if it was a burnt hot dog.

5. if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. my student that mentioned nipples in the same session kept farting. he of course finds that really funny, and would say "i fart" to draw additional attention to the behavior. oh, and this student doesn't say his /r/ sound correctly all the time. by the end of the session, i just gave up, and started saying, "it's not faht - it's fart. use your /r/ sound."