Thursday, November 24, 2005

mold, pictures, and thongs

so here's some of the holiday stories from turkey day that i feel should be imparted to my loyal readers....

STORY 1. the day started off pretty good i guess - i got up and my mom was already busy in the kitchen, as per usual - she had been cooking for days. after i had finished my panera cinnamon crunch bagel (which was delish), the macy's thanksgiving day parade came on, which let's just be honest, is just a way for 100 child broadway actors to do a cheesy lip sync and dance routine about how they're thankful for their cell phones (that really did happen - it "kicked off" the parade). my younger sister of course said that she was going to get up to watch this televised cheese ball with balloons and bands event, but of course meandered out of bed about 11a.m., just in time for the dog show which followed the parade. prior to her awakening, came a disturbing occurance from the kitchen from which the following quotes bellowed:

"i don't think it's supposed to look like that"

"do you think they're all like this?"

"it's all over my hands now and they stink"

no, it was not what your dirty little mind was thinking. it was pretty dirty however. as my mother cut into the packaging of not just one, but two turkeys, she found them not only to be frozen solid (even though they had been thawing since saturday), but also covered with a brown film and mold. sick. so, we called dillons, complained, and loaded up the mystery meat in sacks which my dad took with him to dillons to prove that we weren't lying. while i was at home clorox wiping the entire kitchen, he got two new, fresh breasts.......of turkey and all was right with the thanksgiving world.

STORY 2. for some reason when my mother's side of the family gets together for holidays, games tend to be involved. last year, was my mom's craze of "chicken foot" (aka dominos), and this year, is was "hoopla." of course, my grandpa and my dad spent a good 15 minutes figuring out how to set up the easel for which "some assembly was required" before we were able to play, but that's beside the point. the actual game is basically pictionary, and after we spent 10 minutes listening to my grandmother number everyone off and then start yelling at everyone for being on the wrong teams, we decided for a guys vs. girls game. us women should've seen it comin', but basically we got spanked (the men of course said that if they won, then the women would be cleaning up dinner and doing the dishes, which let's just be honest, was really their plan regardless of if they won or not). the highlight drawing (if you can call it high) was my 13 year old cousin's exceptional drawing of mahatma ghandi. the lowlight, yet mentionable drawings were as follows:

1. my grandmother's drawing of "the great wall of china" which, i'm not joking, looked exactly like this:

and what's even weirder is that my sister guessed it

2. my mother's drawing, after complaining for at least a good minute and 1/2 of our 3 minute time limit that she had no clue who this person was:

what? you can't figure it out either? it's bono. ya, that's right, the u2 lead singer, which my mom of course pronounced as bone-o when she asked "how the heck am i supposed to know who bono is?"

3. my grandmother - at it again. our clue was "who" (which meant it was supposed to be a person).

ya, um, we guessed, cowboy several times, oklahoma cowboy, boomer sooner, oklahoma state cowboys, rodeo clown, etc. anything we could come up with. that of course, was all wrong. it's not a lasso that the cowboy is holding - it's a guitar. like my grandma said "it's garth brooks - you know like when he smashes his guitar. i saw his show in oklahoma you know - if my dancing friends were here they would've guessed it."

hoopla. interesting game.

STORY 3. this is really a miniature tidbit to wrap up this post, but i just thought i'd better let it be known that the last comments coming out of my cousins and aunt/uncle were things like "grandma's needing some thongs" and "grandma's looking at thongs again." enough said.

happy holidays :)

Friday, November 04, 2005

flower pot's not goin' to the slammer

to get a letter from the state saying that you're illegally working and have basically committed a class B misdemeanor that is upon conviction, punishable as provided by law is not what you want to hear when you get home from work on a thursday after sitting through a 3 1/2 hour meeting where you only got to actually speak for about 10 minutes.

this is where i found myself yesterday though - holding the fateful letter, bursting into tears at the fear of what was ahead, already frantic because my bedroom door had been shut by someone (or something) other than myself and i had already caused a near hernia as i cussed at the doorknob and spent like 5 minutes before i was able to jiggle the knob just right and enter my crimson walled abode. the flood of emotions continued to pour as i told my wet, newly showered, in a towel roommate erin about her new convict roommate who she probably would be seeing for the last time because i thought i was either going to lose my job and not be able to pay rent, and/or was headed right for the state pen for 5-10. after some prayers, friends, pizza, finding out that clay on the apprentice was gay, and that zoe was in fact born in 1990 and had had several sexual partners, i lay awake until midnight worrying, my orange jumpsuit folded on the edge of my bed, ready to go (i just had one last finishing touch with the bedazzler left).

as i woke up this morning thoughts raced through my brain and i got to work at 10 after 7 - ready to face the guillotine. i stuck my head in the chopping block, prayed for the Lord to take me now, and picked up the phone....

keep reading because this is where my story takes a turn for the better (although i know that most of you were giddy at the thought of me in an orange one-sy and the very unlikely, but possible conjugal visits i was to receive)....

so, this all said, through a series of phone calls and emails, the state department of education lady is pulling some strings for me, and my supervisor and my head boss were completely understanding about the paper-work screwups that led to the infamous letter and assured me that i would not lose my job and would not be found in handcuffs on fox news tonight at 5, 6, and 10 (they had no way of knowing that i actually would be on the news tonight because i decided to strip down to my skibbes in front of some construction workers downtown). so, the bulk of the day's craziness should be over right?.....but not quite yet.

after hand delivering some documents downtown (this was after the skibbe incident of 2005), i proceeded to the gas station because of course, i was on empty. i had no idea that the the bp would bring me anything other than gas (the fuel for my car kind, mind you), but in addition, i was given the grand prize. a new nickname. there was a man walking around after i exited the station that yelled out to me, "hey flower pot! you're looking good today. are you going home already? would to like to have some new women's perfume?" i told him that i was on my way back to work (which i was actually happy about doing considering the day's events), and was not interested. flower pot, eh? this is a day that will live in infamy.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

ma wuj....

ma wuj, ma wuj is what bwings us togetha today......

in having a discussion about marriage with a friend the other day, the comment was made - "i just wish i knew whether or not God has plans for marriage in my future. i mean, there's so many things that i would start doing now if i knew that i wasn't going to get married - like have sex."

"that is brand new information!" as phoebe would say. i had no idea this friend was so scandalous :)

...that dweam wifin a dweam.....

some quotes about marriage i decided to cite here:

The Japanese have a word for it. It's Judo -- the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, 'Yes, dear.' ~ J. P. McEvoy

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. ~ Billy Sunday

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ~ Agatha Christie

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~ Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. ~ Woody Allen