i love going to quick trip and making myself a cherry, vanilla, diet dr. pepper.
i love going to movies in the theatre by myself.
i love me a truffle shuffle concrete from sheridan's.
i love that i bought speakers to hook up to my iBook. music loud, is grand indeed.
i love music that makes me dance and stirs my soul, and
i love music that sparks a hint of seduction in me (not gonna lie).
i love having quick comebacks and witty replies, over and over again.
i love playing my keyboard and singing by myself, imagining i am on stage, or in front of God.
i love to laugh so hard that my sides ache.
i love when people i love catch me by surprise.
i love day-dreaming of exotic adventures and passionate love.
i love seeing God's plans unravel before my eyes.
i love a good glass of beer.
i love a hearty cry.
i love lamp.
i love seeing people realize their dreams.
i love that i don't give up on anyone. no matter what.
i love feeling beautiful.
i love being my raw, true self and having that truth spurred on in me by others, as well as being the one that encourages others to be their true selves.
a couple of you know that these last few weeks for me have been, well, rough. emotionally laden, somewhat isolating, full of heartache, and also so full of reality that i could hardly stand it. i found myself in a situation with a dear friend (a boy no less) where i was perhaps truly the most myself that i've ever been. i didn't even realize how full of life i felt being known so well and actually understood. i wasn't trying to let myself out of my personal cage so to speak, but i found that i didn't even know how risky and adventurous i had become until i peered around at my wild surroundings, realized that i could actually be comfortable there, and then was faced with the reality that sometimes those people who know us and understand us best and even call us out into the wild, don't choose to be with us. i'm sure you can put two and two together as to the situation that unfolded between me and this friend, but it's not just that that i wish to comment on.
i often wonder what people's lives are like when they don't have a relationship with God, when they don't know His abundant grace, His love for them, His heart to heal their wounds etc. and they live their lives trying to find validation in other people, possessions, feelings, success, whatever, all the time not knowing that in those pursuits they're never going to find what they're searching for. it absolutely tears me apart. i am also cut to the core by those who know God, and yet have a hard time taking Him at His word, not realizing that He can be a helper and a guide, and not seeing or choosing the strength He offers them. i also wonder what people's lives are like that don't have true, Godly friends that will stand beside them during the sweet times of life, as well as the pain and hurt and remind them always of God's truth and their worth as His children. most recently, i have become very passionate about the ALPHA ministry at my church, and just can't get enough of seeing and being a part of God's transforming work and healing in people's lives that did not previously know Him. but, sometimes i forget that it's not just others that need God's work and healing, but also me. there have been several friends that have come alongside me in this journey of brokenness, and they have helped keep me strong, remind of what is good and true, and have continued to point me to God. i love them, and am eternally grateful. God also chose to use a lady at church whom i barely know to tell me softly during a prayer time that God wanted me to rest in the love that He had for me. i didn't know what that exactly meant for me several weeks ago when she told me this, but i think i get it more fully now.
after some additional prompting from a woman who frequently seems to be as the audible voice of God to me, i decided a few days ago after a couple of weeks of wrestling with God, perhaps the most intense tears of heartache i've ever experienced to date, multiple imaginary conversations in my head, falling on my face literally in prayer, and what i can only describe as hopeful hopelessness, to move on, to seek God in ways that i hadn't tried yet, and to try and learn about the truth that God wanted me to hear. i picked up a book i read that had been instrumental in my life a couple of years ago, and just today finished reading it for now my second time. God used that book, along with scripture to help me walk through some past hurts, throw off lies i had believed, and realize that He always will be my greatest adventure, my valiant rescuer, my only savior, my life-changing healer, and the one who knows me, delights in me, and romances me because i simply looked to Him and sought who He is. how encouraging that i have a God that promises to always come to me when i come to Him!
and what's more? i don't have to be afraid of being my raw, true, often quirky self because even if certain people don't quite get me the way that others do, or even if i'm rejected when i present myself to people, i have beloved friends that stick by me and try their darndest to understand me at my weirdest, and what's best is that i have re-grounded myself and learned to rest in the love of a mighty God that continues to call me out into that wilderness of being real. i have and know love. and therefore, i love.