Shalinn: Real Facts

So I've decided to post about some "real facts" about myself. Take it or leave it.

Real fact #207: I don't like lettuce "on" things.

Not on tacos, not on sandwiches, hamburgers, anything of the sort. I will eat salads and lettuce wraps however.

Real fact #153: I am obsessed with pastel chocolate cherries from the Nifty Nut House in Wichita.

Mmmmmm. Tasty bit o' heaven.

Real fact #84: I really like the voice of country singer Clint Black.

And I readily claim not to care for country music.

Real fact #59: I have on more than one occasion seriously considered buying a stripper workout video.

Don't judge - my future husband would hopefully appreciate it someday, and the people on the infomercials claim that it's a good toning workout.

Real fact #126: I love the color of pink that can only be found at dusk right after a Kansas sunset.

I saw the most georgeous sunset the other night driving back to my parent's house - it was so beautiful I couldn't stop thanking God for it.

Real fact #32: For years, I have had the uncanny ability to notice the location of the moon during daytime.

My mother claims that this was one of my favorite things to point out when I was a child, and for some reason I get a small, nerd high when I notice it now as an adult.

Real fact #05: I often have very vivid dreams that blend reality with fiction and also give me the ability to play the role of myself and a bystander simultaneously.

Reality with fiction example: A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that Don Chaffer patted me on the butt as a salutation. Have I met Don? Yes, but I've only spoken with him a couple of brief times. Why the heck in my dream he number one acted like he knew me well, and number two thought it was okay to pat me on the butt is beyond me. I remember looking over at Lori during the dream after it happened, and she didn't seem to think it was weird either.
Myself and bystander example: Last night I dreamed that I was an actress in a movie about four friends' struggle to survive a massive landslide. When I was not the one doing the acting however, I was watching four people do the acting, and conversing with the director who was talking to me as if I was still acting in the scene.

Real fact #170: I could never live alone.

I'm pretty sure that I would like it for musical purposes only (I have this weird thing about preferring to play piano and sing when I'm by myself - I often abruptly stop playing the minute someone walks in the door - maybe it's because I'm my biggest fan, or because I have major fears of musical rejection, and a major fear that I will annoy people in general, not just musically). Being by myself so much would probably cause me to buy plants and talk to them instead, and I would probably in turn crawl into a hole because I would not want to "annoy" my friends by emailing/calling them.

Well, this post will now come to a close - a furry creature is now pacing around our dining room table and whining to be let out, and back in, and back out, and back in. Those of you that have been to my residence know what furry phenomenon I speak of. God save the queen.

"grand"mothers during holidays

so i thought about writing about the joys and the anti-joys of the holiday season, but decided just to stick with the focused topic of my grandmothers. these stories are doozies, and i hope that it gives y'all a sneak peak into the wackiness of my family.

nutty thanksgiving moment: so my cousin is getting married in may and asked my dad to do the wedding (he's a pastor). he said no - he has a policy that he won't do family weddings because he can't be objective enough during pre-marriage counseling. my cousin understands. no hard feelings. UNTIL my grandmother (dad's mom) and my aunt (dad's sister) get to talking. and what do they do? call and gripe at my mother about how awful it is that my dad won't do the wedding and how could he do this to them and how they won't even tell my uncle about it because they know he would fly off the handle and how my cousin is sooo upset about it. so, my dad calls my cousin and gives in and says he'll do the wedding. and he finds out that my cousin didn't know this was going on, and was never upset about anything. thanks grandma. (by the way, we also were told that it was going to be nice not to have my immediate family at the big family thanksgiving dinner because they would not have to have turkey since none of them liked turkey anyway- apparently for all of these years they've made a turkey just for my parents, sister, and i - who knew?)

funny thanksgiving moment: see my blog post with my grandmother's (mom's mom) recreated drawings.

scary Christmas moment: my greatgrandmother (dad's grandma) lives in a nursing home in the town i was born in (about 15 minutes from the town i claim as my hometown). apparently two days before Christmas she tells my aunt that my dad's having an affair with a lady that's been friends with our family for a long time, who's also the hospice nurse who's been calling on my greatgrandmother. she's apparently told this lie to other people in the nursing home. well, to make a long story shorter, my dad had to go in and confront my greatgrandmother about it. she eventually admitted to making the whole thing up, and hopefully the rumor won't continue to circulate like small town rumors can. the family was so irritated with her that apparently, she was purposefully left out of the Christmas day activities with her sons, daughters, and grandchildren.

side story from long ago: i found out from my mom that this greatgrandmother (mentioned above) has quite the potty mouth. i guess that not long after my mom and dad got married, my dad's cousin backed out on her wedding day. another one of his cousins was to be married soon, and my mom made the mistake of commenting to my dad's aunt, "you don't think she would back out on her wedding too do you?" well, this got around to my great-grandmother (no one keeps their mouth shut in my family apparently) and she cussed my mom up one side and down the other. my mom says she's never been cussed at by anyone like she was from my greatgrandmother (there was lots of the f word, with other choice wordage). this happened over 25 years ago and to this day, my mom has not been in a room alone with my greatgrandmother.

happy holiday story: my other living greatgrandmother (mom's grandma - who's still to this day one of the wisest people i know) is turning 104 on january 1st. happy birthday grandma! she has not cussed out anyone in my family to my knowledge, and her mind is still so sharp that each and every one of her children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, and greatgreatgrandchildren gets a birthday card on his/her birthday. fun story about her - i found out in an interview i did with her last year that she dated someone while she was engaged to my grandfather - with his permission! grandpa was also the 4th man to propose marriage to her - she must have been quite a catch :)

well, my family has one last Christmas celebration this evening (on my dad's side none-the-less) so we'll see what stories unfold there. my, this is long, and there's many more stories i could tell. i have nothing else better to do in oxford, kansas than sit at the computer so at least this ate up some time! what did i do to pass the time when i lived here for 7 years? oh, that's right - i lost weight by playing volleyball, cheerleading, and making out with my boyfriend - ah how times have changed!

my grand inspirations for the new year

i had no idea that the "Snapple: Real facts" book that i received from my principal at school today would contribute to the contemplative mood that i've been in for the last month or so, but it has rocked my world. it seems as if the following revelations will not only reframe my thoughts about the past, but also change my thinking as i embark upon 2006. these all happen to be related to weight loss, which is an atypical thing for me to think about around holiday season (unlike many women), but it will be on my mind this next year!

"real fact" #109 - smelling bananas and/or apples can help you lose weight.

finally an excuse for me continually buying these items, and not actually eating them.

"real fact" #167 - you have to play ping pong for 12 hours to lose one pound.

ping pong. not worth the wait.

"real fact" #98 - when the moon is directly overhead, you weigh less.

which is why i look better at night than in the day time.

"real fact #108 - licking a stamp burns 10 calories.

it's probably because stamps taste like deuce and you end up making a nasty face after you lick them (see below).

"real fact" #103 - frowning burns more calories than smiling.

i smile too damn much - number one, because that's just the way i am, and number two, to try and attract men (for some reason, i've realized that smiling and laughing are my only two methods of "flirting" - ya, guys don't pick up on that). if i would frown and scowl at them, i'd lose weight. after i achieved my new thin look, i would maybe get a man, and then cancel out my reasoning for smiling and laughing at them in the first place.

and finally....the most revolutionary "real fact"......

"real fact" #102 - a one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

this one really gets to me. it makes me really want a man. if i made out with him for 30 minutes a day, i would not only enjoy myself and potentially find a lifelong companion, but also lose 780 calories per makeout session! the gym would not even be a necessity. this impacts my past the most as well. it's no wonder that i weighed less in high school - read the following scenario: a typical fall friday night (particularly my junior/senior year) - go to volleyball practice, go cheerlead at a football game, come home and make out with my boyfriend for 2 hours. and the rest of the weekend? volleyball tournaments all saturday long, and significantly more making out which meant, a substantial amount of calories lost. NOW - fast forward through the last 7 years: amount of exercise = well, less - at some some points, next to none. amount of making out - ONE time during the last 7ish years (ya, um don't try to guess who it was - you don't know him). and only TWO other kisses that may have burned me 52 calories total.

CONCLUSION: do i weigh more now than i used to? yes. and theoretically, until i get married/get in a serious relationship, i just may continue to gain weight because i won't have that extra built in calorie burner. if that doesn't happen for me soon: out comes the banana and apple perfumes, my melancholy state that will promote frowning, and nighttime escapades of wetting postage in the moon light. with any luck, God will send me that special someone in 2006 - and stamps won't be the only thing i'm lickin'..... ;)

I would walk away too if I had to listen to this all Christmas long

So, this audioblog is of a song by a Mr. Daniel L. Lovell. I really feel that he takes an interesting look at how Joseph must have felt, and thought that it would "brighten" your holiday season. Oh, and by the way, this man comes and plays at my parents' church in Oxford on a quarterly basis. I have copies of his CD "Stayin' at the Earth Motel" if anyone would like one. It's very special, and I've heard that it's this year's hottest stocking stuffer next to a lump of coal. This man means well, but he is perhaps the reason I've never recorded any of my own original songs......

low budget plays and the pee that keeps butts in the seats

so i figured that since tiffany can talk about her childhood play productions, i could talk about mine. back in a Christmas of yore, i too wrote, directed, produced, and co-starred in a low budget production of "three blind mice." it most closely resembled the modern day hit musical "CATS" which as chandler from friends so elequantly put it, "it's people. dressed as cats." and that's basically what we were, my cousins kyane and codi and i. i remember preparing for what was probably hours in front my grandma's bedroom mirror attached to the closet door. we were all decked out in our new same print, different colored cat shirts and pants and were attempting to reenact that beloved children's song which basically is not only politically incorrect, but probably responsible for the loraina bobbit's of the world (you know, with the running after other women and the subsequent cutting off of apendages). we would stand at different levels as to mess with the depth perception of our viewers, we obviously danced and sang, and we also managed to stretch the one act play about a 15 second song into 10 or 15 minutes of pure mouse bliss.

so, it was time to strut our stuff in front of our mothers and grandmother who had busily been working to clean up the Christmas dinner dishes in the kitchen. we waited on them forever to finish and kept talking up our juvenille talent as actors slash singers slash rappers slash dancers. we were the original rapper tappers. i'm sure we read, what was oddly enough one of my favorite signs to read in my grandmother's kitchen, "please do not tamper with the cook's buns" about 20 times before the show was to go on. and then, finally, it was our big moment. i'm sure we introduced ourselves as if we were unknown to our female family members who birthed us, and then we began. unknown to me at the time of the start of this production however, was my mother's dier need to use the restroom. she stood there patiently and watched us perform, and of course kept thinking, "oh - they've got to be done soon" which of course was wrong since i'm sure we performed that sucker forever until it was just perfect. with each passing minute my mother's legs crossed tighter and tighter, until finally, she blurts out a yelp, with tears streaming down her face, doubling over in laughter as she's peed herself waiting for us to finish. that's right. our performance was so tony worthy that my mother peed her pants because she didn't want to miss the show. to this day, my cousins and i are reminded of that story every Christmas and told by my mother that if our children put on similar low budget productions, we have to be just as "polite" as my mother was. thanks mom.