my grand inspirations for the new year

i had no idea that the "Snapple: Real facts" book that i received from my principal at school today would contribute to the contemplative mood that i've been in for the last month or so, but it has rocked my world. it seems as if the following revelations will not only reframe my thoughts about the past, but also change my thinking as i embark upon 2006. these all happen to be related to weight loss, which is an atypical thing for me to think about around holiday season (unlike many women), but it will be on my mind this next year!

"real fact" #109 - smelling bananas and/or apples can help you lose weight.

finally an excuse for me continually buying these items, and not actually eating them.

"real fact" #167 - you have to play ping pong for 12 hours to lose one pound.

ping pong. not worth the wait.

"real fact" #98 - when the moon is directly overhead, you weigh less.

which is why i look better at night than in the day time.

"real fact #108 - licking a stamp burns 10 calories.

it's probably because stamps taste like deuce and you end up making a nasty face after you lick them (see below).

"real fact" #103 - frowning burns more calories than smiling.

i smile too damn much - number one, because that's just the way i am, and number two, to try and attract men (for some reason, i've realized that smiling and laughing are my only two methods of "flirting" - ya, guys don't pick up on that). if i would frown and scowl at them, i'd lose weight. after i achieved my new thin look, i would maybe get a man, and then cancel out my reasoning for smiling and laughing at them in the first place.

and finally....the most revolutionary "real fact"......

"real fact" #102 - a one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

this one really gets to me. it makes me really want a man. if i made out with him for 30 minutes a day, i would not only enjoy myself and potentially find a lifelong companion, but also lose 780 calories per makeout session! the gym would not even be a necessity. this impacts my past the most as well. it's no wonder that i weighed less in high school - read the following scenario: a typical fall friday night (particularly my junior/senior year) - go to volleyball practice, go cheerlead at a football game, come home and make out with my boyfriend for 2 hours. and the rest of the weekend? volleyball tournaments all saturday long, and significantly more making out which meant, a substantial amount of calories lost. NOW - fast forward through the last 7 years: amount of exercise = well, less - at some some points, next to none. amount of making out - ONE time during the last 7ish years (ya, um don't try to guess who it was - you don't know him). and only TWO other kisses that may have burned me 52 calories total.

CONCLUSION: do i weigh more now than i used to? yes. and theoretically, until i get married/get in a serious relationship, i just may continue to gain weight because i won't have that extra built in calorie burner. if that doesn't happen for me soon: out comes the banana and apple perfumes, my melancholy state that will promote frowning, and nighttime escapades of wetting postage in the moon light. with any luck, God will send me that special someone in 2006 - and stamps won't be the only thing i'm lickin'..... ;)