dream

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.













*pictures taken today from murals in the 31st and troost area kc,mo

an alarming story

i was listening to "this american life" on my way to church this morning and heard a captivating and yet alarming story. listen to "babies buying babies" and see what you think... my how this world will stop at nothing to embrace the familiar and reject that which is "other," even when it involves something as seemingly trivial as baby dolls.

p.s. after reading/listening to everything else on this author's website, i'm kind of obsessed with her. elna baker could be my first "new favorite thing" of 2009.

Sushi I ate, I went on a date, I met a girl named Kate in 2008

I thought about trying to make an alphabetical list of words/phrases that described my year and rhymed with 2008, but I quickly realized that would not have been enjoyable to read, or for that matter, create (ooh – that’s a good word though… *rethinks original decision, and then comes back to reality*). No one would want to read about how I did not fish with bait, how I moved a crate, or how I didn’t really get irate (except for that one time where I almost did). Still, I am going to write the say goodbye to ’08, say hello to ’09 blog post, because well, there’s a time of year to do that sort of thing, and that time is now. That’s reason and um, rhyme enough.

I had good intentions of trying to change my blog up this year and ask questions on it rather than just type my nonsense. Apparently questions extending beyond the ever-perplexing “Shalinn or Shaolin” bits don’t fly with you people. That’s okay though – I’m not bitter or anything… Side note – I’ll likely resume the whole fortune cookie vs. fortune kookie thing later – I’m obviously just not good at keeping up with the whole updating the blog thing. I blame that on my return journey back to facebook. That, and triangles. Don’t worry though; I have another stellar blog contest to embark upon. You’re gonna love it. Aside, complete…. Anyway, here’s some high and lowlights of the year that was… last year. I won’t make you answer any questions, I promise.

*My family said goodbye to my 106-year-old great-grandmother on January 17th of this year. She would’ve been 107 today actually. I’m sure she’d have something to say about the current financial state of the world, the fact that I’m still single, and that we’ve got a new president (yeah!)
*I continued the match.com journey for a brief stint and met a wonderful guy. Circumstances and life as it happens left us as friends. I didn’t know that I could feel so honored by someone voluntarily turning off the television to talk to me. He's taught me more than he may ever know.
*Leaving one job, interviewing and taking another one. I am happier now with what I am doing and perhaps what that may lead to in the future. I’ve gotten to see improvement in the lives of children and in some ways have gotten to see more clearly the circumstances that can work against them. It’s not fair, but is perhaps a greater opportunity for triumph.
*The Mexicants. Maya and I finally made it happen after over a year of talking about it. It’s fun and life-giving and one of these days we’ll perform our own music…and move beyond Grandview, MO (hopefully).
*Time off from work can rejuvenate a person and help them realize what other opportunities are available to them. I’m so grateful that I got to take the time to work with the wonderful children at Christ Church during VBS and at Christmas. They were wonderful and inspired me with their sweet hearts. Plus, they sang awesome. Getting back to teaching piano lessons was the right decision for me – my students remind me why I love music and why I love seeing people discover what they’re capable of. I literally sleep better at night because of this last summer.
*Obama. I took part in my first political campaign this year by volunteering and contributing. I’ve never watched as much news coverage as I did this year, and I never thought I could talk politics with people, especially people I didn’t know, but I did. What a growing experience it was for me to see what people in this city are passionate about and to see how things played out. I can only hope that no matter what happens from this point forward, people will start to care about something other than themselves. If we’re lucky, the U.S. can hopefully lead the way….and with any luck, listen and learn.
*London. Seriously. Need I say more? I got to go to London. I loved everything about it and can’t wait to go back to Europe.
*Weddings…oh my. I’ve seen some of my very best friends from past and present get married or engaged this year. Lots of sweet babies have been born (and created!) too, including the sweet baby I found out about last night ☺. I can’t wait to be aunt Shalinn (not biologically, mind you)!
*On a sadder, different note, I’ve seen more than one friend tragically lose their fathers, seen those I care about be abused, seen dreams and expectations shattered, seen illness and injury plague friends and family, and seen hearts break, including my own. I’ve seen people that won’t get out of their own way, and seen people that don’t realize who they really are and all that they could become in light of that. But perhaps the greatest tragedy is that of seeing the lonely not knowing they are loved, and me knowing that I can’t or in some cases don’t love them like I should or like I wish I could.

Well, New Year’s day is quickly coming to an end and I’ve written and re-written this last paragraph a gazillion times now, though no would know that since I decided to scrap it all just now. Bottom line, the word “I” was in it too much, and that just won’t do. This world is not about me or what I think or what I know or what I’ve learned this last year anymore than in previous years. And yet we’re all in this world here together where there’s beauty and tragedy and love to be found and experienced. Oh that Moulin Rouge line – the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Let yourself be loved and love, even when it’s hard (on both fronts). Thanks for the grace you’ve extended to me this year readers… Happy 2009.

even joe the plumber can easily vote for entry number 4

so i've noticed that the enthusiasm for this fine game has quickly diminished. still, don't let the man get you down. remember, in this economic crisis, you have nothing to lose by making this vote. you will not lose any money by voting in this shal vs. shao election. in fact, it could be the best decision you will ever make. or at least the best decision you've made all day. no bailouts necessary.

fortune number 4:
"An enjoyable vacation is awaiting you near the mountains."

shalinn or shaolin? you decide.

entry number 3

Sorry it's taken me a week to post again. Keep guessing - some of you have increased your point totals; congratulations on getting one step closer to the prize package!

Fortune number 3:
"New horizons will be revealed sooner than you think."

Shalinn or Shaolin? Take your guess!

entry number 2

Thanks to all of you who have wagered a guess on entry number 1. I'm not going to tell those of you that have answered if you are correct/incorrect just yet, but I will tell you that some of you earned at least 1 point, and there are some of you who were awarded no points. May God have mercy on your soul.

Here's your next shot!

Fortune number 2:
"You will have much to be thankful for in the coming year."

Shalinn or Shaolin? Take your guess!

entry number 1

So back by popular demand, I'm exploring my long lost "roots" from winter 2006, and creating yet another bloggame (pronounced BLAHgame thank you very much). Due to the insane popularity of "Dove or No Dove," I now bring you "Shalinn or Shaolin," a mind boggling game which invites to wager a guess as to whether or not the "fortune" you read below is written by me (Shalinn) or the "wisdom" of an actual fortune cookie (Shaolin). Simply leave a comment with your guess and be sure to check back every few days or so for updates. Like last time, I will be tallying the score and offering the winner a FABulous prize package, so go for the gold as if you were in Beijing! I think I'm going to wait to provide the answers until the end of the game, so encourage your friends and enemies to join in the fun!

Fortune number 1:
"Next week, green is a lucky color for you."

Extra bonus option - guess whether the lucky numbers are Shalinn or Shaolin:
11 12 25 37 40 42

FYI: I'm waving to you in my picture - not just showing off my stubby little hand!

Indescribable X

Three words. Skateboard Big Air.

For those of you that don't know, I'm a huge X Games fan. It's a serious love. I think I started watching them on ESPN2 during X Games 2 (it's now X Games 14 and has moved "up" to ESPN and ABC - I like to think of myself as being ahead of my time, which is really ridiculous). Especially growing up in a small town where riding tractors and combines were the norm instead of skateboards and BMX bikes, not many people knew of my love then, and most would not have understood why I thought it was awesome. It makes a lot of sense to me now knowing the person I've become, but I'm already tired of writing about myself in this post so I will desist.

The inspiration for this post actually comes from the amazing skateboarders I just watched in Big Air. Last year I was watching the competition as Jake Brown had the fall that ESPN replayed a gazillion times over and scared the crap out of me every time. A nearly 50 foot fall from which he got up and walked away. Incredible.

As if that weren't enough, this year's competition was even more impressive. First of all, Jake Brown was back in the competition this year. In his first competition run back, lays down a clean run (his first of a few) and ends up with a bronze. Amazing enough, but dude. There is not much more determination than that of Danny Way. This guy does a huge flip over the big ramp and then gets over 20 feet of air on the next trick, only to drop his board, clip both his feet on the edge of the ramp on his way down and bite it hard. Not as far of a fall as Brown's last year, but equally as scary, as any fall is. Get this though - after falling and limping off (with help) and appearing as if he was in intense pain, Way goes to the med group, gets checked out, and tells them that he's going back out not just to do one run, but to finish out the next 3 runs he has left. He tells the ESPN correspondent that he feels like his foot is broken and his shoulder and back are in intense pain, and the next thing you know, he's on his board heading back to the top of the ramp on the elevator. He then proceeds to do the exact same run that he just fell on, and land it clean. It was CRAZYass and though I usually don't use this vernacular on a regular basis, it was tight. How anyone has determination and ability like that is beyond anything I could ever imagine for myself. But it didn't end there. Way goes out and finishes out his next two runs, his last of which was clean and put him in first place. He reported that his entire body was in pain and he could barely walk, but he went for every last minute of it. He may not have been saving lives or anything, but for what he could do within his broken body on a skateboard, he did. I probably shouldn't be shocked - I mean the guy did mess up his ankle and then jump over the Great Wall of China. Still, I know that I have never pushed myself to my limits like that.

Bob Burnquist (who I've watched for years at X Games) ended up with the gold after his final run which resulted in a huge 360 with a blind landing, landing a squat position - he was fighting so hard even though he could've easily settled for silver. Back to back wins for him. Even with his excitement, he gets off his skateboard, hugs Way, and is moved to tears by Danny Way's courage (they're also good friends and are in a band together). It doesn't start off any better than this. I think part of what I love about this whole thing is that everyone is impressed with what the other guy is doing or did.

As I write, there isn't video available yet to post from the competition, but I'll get it on here when I can.

I'll be out of town tomorrow night for a very worthy cause, but look forward to seeing what I've missed and what's yet to come. Although it was on my list of things to do in my lifetime, I think that I've just forwarded it close to the top. I'm going to proclaim it. I'll be there in Los Angeles for X Games 15 watching it live. Who's coming with me?!

an affair to remember

kim and becca have a list. a summer "to do" list. it's summer "to do" list. and i helped. i helped them check two things off on one night, last night. it was their first twofer. it took our threesome to have a twofer.

the night started off by us all going to nkc, just across the bridge to a little (what we thought was going to be a) hole in the wall bar called denim and diamonds. if that title doesn't scare you, you're a stronger man/woman than i because i was a little frightened. i should not judge - but the website? not exactly high tech. i'm not an overly webby gal, and i learned enough java script independently during my college office job to create it. plus, i don't even like country music - i'm a country gal that happily resides in the city. the black clothing i frequently wear does not have fringe attached and my boots are stiletto and worn only in the winter with non-butt lengthening jeans. i at one time did live on a farm, and i did receive a pair of roper boots in 6th grade for christmas, with which my grandma accompanied a white button-down shirt with iron-on "country" appliques with a puff paint lining. i'm pretty sure my cousin and i only wore those miraculous shirts in the picture that my grandma took of us right after she gave them to us. she meant well i'm sure.

moving on, it was ladies night and the feeling's right. oh what a night. two bucks for us to get in, and fi'ty cent drinks. i'm totally down with drinking bud light if it costs me ye ol' half dollar. we went at 7:30 for line dancing lessons (the actual "list" activity), were surprised that we weren't the only ones there, and learned a nice little cha cha cha heel toe scootin' dance and a fast little hoppity hop number. not the official titles of the dances, but work with me here. in all reality, we did the few dances we knew and totally worked up a sweat, but spent most of our evening people watching. let me tell you, this was a very worthwhile activity. let me utilize an old nkotb tune to tell you about the merriment.

step one - we can have lots of fun.
watching the sweet old men dancers that were at least 80 years old and way better than we were at line dancing. so cute.
watching that guy in the plaid shirt that was dragged there by his girlfriend. what a trooper - he was really trying hard.

step two - there's so much we can do.
like watch people visit the "jail." we assumed this "jail" was a substantial amount of space that an entire party of people could fit in if they wanted to rent it for a special occasion. not so. it was available for birthdays or "special events" which was a loose term really. seven people visited the one to two person jail in a matter of a few hours. the likelihood that there were that many people celebrating their birth at denim and diamonds was about as likely as the applebee's employees actually believing that the entire volleyball team had birthdays on the same day. if you wanted to do shots from in between another person's legs and feel somebody up, that apparently sufficed as a "special event." the shots were your dessert, and everyone staring at you as the sirens went off and the sheriff (complete with sheriff leather vest and gold badge) drug you over to hold onto the jail bars to be frisked was your serenade. good times call for alcohol and scandalous public displays of lewdness (pdls). at least that's what i always say.

step three - it's just you and me.
and the "celebrities" that we met at the bar. a man referring to himself as will ferrell introduced us to the supposed john cusack who would be "buying us all drinks all night long." considering that drinks for us were 50 cents a pop, it was not exactly impressive. "will" told us that he'd make sure we had a 2 dollar tab at the bar waiting for us. *insert faux swoon* we also met the supposed chris cagle (some country singer i guess? not to be confused with the "kegel" of the kegel exercises - i'm not gonna lie; that's the only cagle i had ever heard of).

step four - i can give you more.
more tube tops (which were actually in short supply surprisingly), more mom jeans (and not just any mom jeans, but ladies in mom jeans dancing on a pole for everyone to watch. and not just ladies pole dancing in mom jeans, but men putting dollar bills in the pockets of the mom jeans on the ladies pole dancing), more cowboy hats, belt buckles, and handlebar mustaches (any combo of two became known as the "double decker;" those with all three were referred to as the "trifecta"), and more random people that i was not expecting to see at a place like that (such as the guy in the hawaiian shirt and sandals, and the pseudo-preppy guys in polos who surprisingly knew a lot of dances, and the occasional rockers who made me feel less out of place)

step five - don't you know that the time has arrived.
for the country music to take a crazy-ass turn into hip hop. to see many of the same (predominately caucasian) dancers go from two-stepping to "neon moon" to rubbin' up and down to "get low" within 1 second was a little cuckoo. three hip hop songs (two of which weren't really even danceable) in the middle of a country hoe down. ho down, hoe down. either one i suppose. two mom jeans ladies in the middle of the dance floor were quite disturbing as they recited all of the lil' jon lyrics and danced a dance that i'm sure they thought was a good idea, but i'm writing about them now, so they're famous in their own right i suppose.

all this said, i think we might be visiting that place again on ladies night. not my type of music or idea of a good fashion show, but my two-steppin' grandparents would be proud. i figure any place that would play "i like my women just a little on the trashy side" should make me feel comfortable. it means the bar is set low. get low.

oh, and we came back to my place (well, my aunt and uncle's place - house sitting is awesome) and made mojitos. check number two on their list. and all i could say was, "hello."

valen what?

maybe it's because i'm a speech-language therapist, or because i work in an urban school district, but i've found it nearly impossible to find any child that doesn't think today is valentiMe's day. even though it bothers me, i'm to the point that i don't even correct them anymore.

this being said however,

i hope your valentimes are happy times.

(and for those of you that know me personally, please re-read the statement above with a voice much like that of eddie murphy's donkey character in shrek. that's my favorite way to say it.)

u2

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other

life's about people

i have had the priviledge of knowing 6 of my 8 great-grandparents in my lifetime which is pretty amazing. perhaps the most amazing to me was my 106-year-old granny who passed away this last thursday. as part of a project in graduate school several years ago, i got to do an interview with her which revealed all sorts of interesting things that almost no one in my family knew. for instance - my grandfather was not the first person to propose marriage to her - he was just the first she said "yes" to (i think there were either 2 or 3 proposals prior, and one during her engagement). she had a college degree which was quite progressive in my opinion for a woman in the 1920s. she admittedly dated a guy for a long time just because he was a good dancer, and she continued to date guys while she was engaged to grandpa (he was away in medical school and he gave her permission to date. crazy!) my grandma had a strong faith in God, loved kentucky fried chicken and mcdonald's french fries, and knew more about current events, the stock market, and politics than i do. oh, and she watched dr. phil. pretty hilarious. i had always hoped that she would live to see me get married or at least get to meet my future husband - she was always asking me if i was dating someone (and she warned me not to get involved with doctors that were married - she saw something about it on dr. phil). that didn't happen obviously, but i figure that she was a pretty independent woman both before and after marriage (she outlived her husband by over 20 years and didn't even receive part-time nursing care until a couple years ago), so i like to think that she would be okay with my stage of life. even though her body gave out on her, her mind was solid until her passing. oh to be so fortunate... she was a gift.

question for this week (feel free to answer the other questions as well - i'm not giving up folks!): who has been a person that has inspired you?

a new one

so apparently y'all aren't into this. however, that will not deter me from trying again and again until you get the hang of it.

before i fire off another question, i must thank meghan and maya who kept it real.

btw - my own answer to the previous question would be probably the biggest loser. it drastically changes and likely saves lives, and that's pretty cool. i don't really watch it until there's a marathon of it on bravo, but that's beside the point...

question number 2 of '08 is (drum roll please).....

what do you think is really the greatest (or one of the greatest) issues facing america today?

not at all like my last question, but appropriate i think.

getting this show on the road...

you're probably either thinking, "OK already - ask a question" or "what? i haven't even read your previous post and what 'show' is she referring to?"

either way, here it is...

question 1:

what reality t.v. show (any show that involves real people, not characters - includes talk shows, cooking shows, etc.), if any, do you think makes the greatest impact on people's lives?

ready, GO!

aloha!

i think in the ever-so-brilliant film, "miss congeniality," (for those unfamiliar, just check your local cable stations - it might as well be on every weekend) there is a conversation about how "aloha!" means both "hello" and "goodbye" so i found that it was an appropriate title with which to wrap up the year/start anew. and no, i'm not going to hawaii.

i started a post last night. it involved me drawing this parallel between one of my favorite shakespeare plays, "much ado about nothing" and my life in 2007. perhaps it could've been worthwhile, but as i started recapping the year (in far too much detail i might add), i realized, there was no need. there's no way i'm going to forget this year and what happened in it. most all of it is etched in my heart and has really become a huge part of who i am. this has been a year of me being shocked by the actions of other people, experiencing love and how you have to entrust the objects of your love to God (including letting them go), discovering new passions in ministry, crying more than in any year i can remember, seeing friends off to africa , into marriage, or into the life beyond this one, moving into a place of my own by myself, creating new works of art, gaining new best friends, listening to new music, getting my first tattoo, joining an online dating site (for better (thanks to a redeeming individual) and worse), traveling to new places, oh, and of course watching every episode of buffy the vampire slayer, which i mocked a year ago, but now revere as a favorite television program.

i also bought new jeans yesterday. that is a grand accomplishment indeed. from all my women out there, can i get a "woot! woot!"?

i suppose i should also add, that this might be one of my last posts (at least as you know them). one of my greatest joys from this blog has been the comments that i get from not only people i know, but also the random people that stumble onto my blog. who would've thought that i would have someone find my blog BECAUSE i posted about giovanni's roll out piano? it's a crazy world out there.

so, the "hello" part of aloha! is that i'm switching things up as far as my musings go. i want to hear what america thinks. so, in order to do that, i'm going to ask questions. i'll give my answers to the questions too, but i don't want that to be the focus. whether variety truly is the spice of life, i don't know. but listening to people is key, and i need to practice that. so, tell me who YOU are. you shall be my muse. bewilder me in 2008. happy new year. let's grow together.

guitar hero......z

if rustin can just post a video of a wonderful guitar player, then i can post some of my faves too. i call this segment "keeping up with the smiths, or, the smith" these characters are not quite as "classical" but they're innovative and good at their craft.



tommy's awesome. he's part of why you need to come to winfield. don't get scared by his facial expressions.



doyle is incredible. i enjoy his daughter haley's music as well. i chose this video in tribute to my cats. makes me want to rock back and forth real fast.



this video doesn't do james justice at all, but he's the best flat picker i've ever seen. go see the waybacks. you won't regret it.



not your typical guitarist. kaki is king. or queen.

webloggingblahblah

man - there's been so much i could've blogged about in the last couple of weeks, but i'm just now getting around to it, so this will likely be filled with abrupt changes in topics and be random at best.

i went to seattle a couple of weeks ago for the first time. it was completely wonderful. i loved the people i was there with, loved the city, loved the conference i went to (it re-fired my passion for loving people and seeing a bigger picture of God), loved the food i got to eat (SO delicious; fresh seafood is the BEST! i was in heaven for a little bit), and loved looking out of the airplane window and watching the topography change from the midwest (or really just "mid," let's be honest) to west. i'm pretty happy with most of my pictures - feel free to check them out here. i cannot wait until i can travel again - it fufilled a longing in my heart that i often forget exists. it may be a sign that my fortune in my fortune cookie this evening read, "you will travel to many places." i'm super cool with that and now await a fortune that says, "you will have a great fortune and plenty of time off from work."

on top of that, i've also gotten to experience some wonderful joys/sorrows recently. some seemingly trivial, some major, but full of vitality and life regardless. a long phone call from a friend who has had a passion awakened within her (one that is similar to mine and tied in amazingly with the conference in seattle), supporting a dear friend who is struggling with life-changing issues of love, honesty, and family, receiving a wonderfully unexpected phone call from a friend that was out of town, hearing from a friend that i haven't heard from in a year and 1/2 (and finding out that she's married now and will be in town to visit soon!), being inspired by the found magazine/postsecret show i went to and having my heart tugged at as well as my laughing my booty off, going to a rock show, making a friend snort and cry because she was laughing so hard at my southern accent, remembering a friend that died a couple months ago, and oh yeah - recently getting my heart broken and knowing that i can't do anything about it.

i'm pretty sure i've cried more and harder in this last year than in any other year of my life to this point - and i was saying that in march! still, i think that as the end of the year comes all too quickly to a close, i can say that i have cared for and loved people with a larger portion of my heart, gotten to meet some extraordinary people, had brand new conversations, been continuously loved and stretched by God, and started to embrace changes that i want to make in my life this year. plus, right now i'm watching the first episode of project runway season 4 which makes me very happy, and i'm not really caring at the moment that almost every other t.v. show is not new because of the writers strike. i will not be so happy once LOST and 24 are affected, but that's another post!

also, i am so excited that different people (known and unknown) have been leaving comments on my last couple of blog posts! a big desire of mine for the last 1/2 a year or so has been to start networking with people and getting to know what and who's out there in the world. i'm slowly taking steps in that direction, and with any luck, i'll begin figuring out where my journey's heading. until then, i'll keep truckin' and playing my roll out piano. oh wait, strike that last part.

it will be hard, but it will be good

it's hard not to take life personally sometimes...particularly when you look at your losses or failures and realize that the common denominator in all of them is you.

anyone who knows me well knows that i analyze things. A LOT. i have a very difficult time not picking apart the pieces of just about everything and examining them bit by bit. i think i've traced it all back to my toddler-hood when instead of riding my tricycle, i took it all apart and put it back together again....i had no idea how telling that would be of my life.... anyhow, when i use these analyzing skills appropriately, the results are positive. other times, well, i tend to destruct any hope i have left.

right now i am faced with several choices. the results of some of my decisions (some just dumb, some out of fear, some right/correct but hard to bravely face) are staring at me point blank right now and causing my head to spin. and like my usual self, i'm wanting to break down everything into pieces and figure out how to put them back together again, hoping that i won't make the same mistake (if it was a mistake) next time. everything in me is trying to do things the way i've always done it - very methodically, very intricately; i put my examiner glasses on, take responsibility for virtually everything, beat myself up about what went wrong, and wonder if any good will ever come from me. sound dramatic?!

here's the thing though. i don't want to be dramatic. i don't think of myself as a high drama person, though when i look at my life, it is filled with drama because of my analyzation. i'm learning that one of the things that scares me most is when i'm caught in a venerable moment and my drama is revealed to, or in the worst cases, vomited on those that i care about. interestingly enough though, the cry of my heart/the word that keeps coming to my mind for the last few weeks of my life has been "intimacy." i want it, i long for it,i've prayed about it, had others pray for me about it, thought about it, etc. still, it is intimacy that is most frightening to me. being intimate is risky, and i suck at taking risks. in fact, i was just telling a friend yesterday (who happens to be one of the unfortunate individuals who i "vomited" on not long after i met him and freaked him out- poor guy) that if i could be good at anything, i wish i could be better at taking risks. instead of babbling more though,i'd like to attempt to make a point, so i shall type a series of equations:

revealing me to others (a.k.a. intimacy) = revealing my drama
revealing my drama = taking a risk
taking a risk = something i'm not good at but want
intimacy = something else i want
intimacy = taking the risk of revealing my drama

i guess i'm afraid of this risk because it seems like more often than not, when i put myself out there, my drama is not understood and/or resonated with, and people back away, so i feel like a freak. this freakiness can be a turn off to some. i don't want to turn anyone off; in fact, i strongly desire to put people at ease and make them feel welcome and relaxed. how i'm supposed to take this risk of drama revelation/intimacy and come off looking sane and not scaring the world around me, i don't know. i don't think i'm very good at it. history in some ways would suggest that my assessment is accurate. i often feel like a freak as a result. i guess it's not a risk if you know the outcome though; go figure.

all this being said, i suppose i should thank all of you that are my dear friends and have not run away from me screaming. your willingness to simply stick around and not cover your eyes and hit me with a club shouting, "freak! freak!" is amazing to me. and i do mean that sincerely. i must also give a shout out to God who also never runs away from me screaming and actually calls me to bring before Him more of my drama for the sake of knowing the drama He can also bring to the table. crazy stuff.

still, i long to be fully intimate with someone and have them be fully intimate with me. and i keep trying, but to no avail. should i keep trying? i want to, even though the more i try, the more it seems like i am found to be a freak.

when it all boils down to it, i suppose we all just want to be fully known (whether we realize it or not). and as for me? well,i'd really like to get out of the garage of tools and pieces and learn to just ride my tricycle...

the real question is...?

1. why haven't i posted since august?

2. why am i now living by myself when i said earlier on this blog that i didn't think i ever would?

3. why am i so hot?

4. who else thinks that steven colbert running for president is hilarious and fantastic?

5. who ate at lidia's today and ate way more delicious food than should be allowed by one person?

6. what is your favorite color?

7. when did k-fed become the better choice?

8. when am i going to say something interesting on this site?

9. who signed me up to receive men's vogue?

10.who put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-shu-bop?


10 points to the person to correctly identify my real question. GO!

"they had to put their hands on it and play"

there is a reason i stay up late when i'm not working, and there is also a reason why now having cable for the first time in a few years may just ruin me. at about 1:00a.m. the other night i stumbled upon an infomercial that may just change my life, or at least potentially ruin an entire population of future pianists. the roll out keyboard. "now everyone can get it on the action!"

i took several snap shots of my television to document such an event, but really, i shouldn't taint your views with mine about this product. wait! this is MY blog and when has anything stopped me before?

do please check out giovanni, the "mastermind" behind this phenomenon, who basically is a mix of john tesh and yanni...i mean, when you think about it, the name "giovanni" is almost a combination of both names, save the "v." perhaps v is for vendetta in my case, because someone has murdered the beauty that is the piano and the proper technique that comes with actually learning to play from a piano teacher on an actual piano with non-flat keys. convenience is ruining the nation. but, the thought of this gadget being played as part of a band, or being pulled out for a family fun sing-a-long gave me a good laugh, so thanks for the memories gio.

if you ever decide to buy such a product, be assured that i would have to come check it out for myself, but do be forewarned that i may just have to burn it afterwards... even though it has more gadgets than my expensive full size keyboard. technology - the loathing and the loving....