this great land of ours

so as to not disappoint my three (maybe 4) readers, i have decided to blog today with a mixture of stories from my past week.

1st: i had a conversation a couple of days ago with a student because when asked what the document was that dictated the laws and ideas of the country of the united states, he replied "the constipation." he did not know what constipation meant, and therefore, i got to explain it him. thank goodness, today in therapy he remembered his error of yore and laughed as he carefully said "the constitution."

dos: two of my co-workers have been trying to get me to go out and party with them on fridays after school. these two fellows last friday when asked what they were going to do said, "well, i'm going to go over and watch tim clean his apartment." tim added, "yes, i wear a full spandex body suit when i clean." needless to say, i did not participate in such viewing activities. on monday i asked tim how his cleaning experience was and he said that he cut the crotch out of his spandex outfit and then demonstrated how he sat around his apartment (he put a leg up on the desk and leaned back in his chair). disturbing (and yet funny). and these guys are educating the children of kansas city.

twee (as my little 2nd grade student would say): an unnamed member of my family was recently giving me suggestions about how to pick up guys. this person's suggestion was that i tell the guy that i need help with my car. when this guy comes and helps me, i attach jumper cables to his nipples and jump start him. huh?

God help me.

three wishes

God help her, my friend tiffany was talked into watching amy grant's new "hit" show "three wishes" in which amy apparently sets up a tent in hicksville, america and helps enrich people's lives by letting them become stewardesses for a day and take a bath in a crapload of spaghetti noodles (wait, that's the wrong show). with the exception of tiffany (thank Jesus), in a room of mutual friends, the tears apparently flowed like the salmon of capistrano, while some old lady became part of the mile high club and then sang with the grant-ster in a mini-concert which coincidentally accompanies every episode of the friday night television program. for those of you "baby baby" or "every heartbeat belongs to you" fans reading this blog, i would like to save you some time, and direct you to more appropriate sites, because this blog is not for you. i will not be participating in such activities as watching this show, holy and tear-jerking as i'm sure it is, and will continue to prefer mind boggling activities such as sleeping or sitting in silence. until next time then, here's some thoughts on wishes from my "friends" at despair.com, and i pray that you too will be singing the should-be hit theme song, "i'm amy grant in a bottle- come, come, come on and let me out."

i was all by myself

warning: this particular blog should not be viewed by those that cannot appreciate dirty humor. i originally published this without adding this disclaimer, but i was embarrasing myself just thinking about the rumors that would spread like the bird flu about me. proceed with caution, and please, do not judge. i did not set out to go this direction, but this is where it went.

as she peered inside the hole she knew not where her explorations would lead her. "carry on," she thought to herself, "it must be done." carefully, she expanded her mind and the opening which begged to be filled with something only she could offer. she inched her way in, taking a brief moment to stop and look at her surroundings, and was pleasantly pleased at what she saw. she continued to creep deeper into the dark void which lay ahead of her, pressing the edges of the boundaries of the space she occupied and traveling further still. after what seemed like eternity, she felt the end approaching and arrived at her destination, hot, gasping for air, her hair in her face. "is this really worth it?" she contemplated. she took a brief moment to rest, thoughts racing through her mind like a whirlwind, believing that in that moment she was as close to insanity as she would ever be. she continued her task, at a more brisk pace this time, trying to reach every nook and cranny and leaving no space untouched. just a little further....come on....she was growing weary now, and letting out a sigh of desperation, decided that her mission had been accomplished to the best of her abilities. she slowly backed out of the hole, and began to see the light of day. as she finally made her exit back to reality, she took in a deep breath and realized that she would need some help to conquer this elusive space the next time around....

okay, okay, you may be asking yourself "who is SHE and why did shalinn write about her?" another good question would be to ask yourself "what the heck is this hole that 'she' went in and am i going to need to pray for my soul when i find out?" well.....

to clear up any misconceptions, "she" is me, and "the hole" to which i crawled in yesterday afternoon was that of my duvet cover. that's right. i was putting my duvet cover over my comforter on my bed for the first time, and it was quite an experience. i bought new bedding (thanks to my non-paying sponsors at target) for fabulous clearance prices, and thus, last night, i had an amazing experience in bed (i had to say it - couldn't resist). my slumber was grand, and not inappropriate, which is more than i can say for this blog.

pushing the lines of what is socially acceptable to blog about.....
-me

names, bands, and BET

some would beg to ask "what's in a name?" and to them i reply with, "i hope absolutely nothing because probably everyone except my parents has botched my name at least once, and most people botch it on a regular basis - if my name is supposed to be representative of who i am, then i must be flailing around haphazardly like a seabass out of water because i have no official identity, as the various pronunciations of my name suggest". throughout my life i have been called a great many variations: shalinn (my actual name), SHAY-linn, shay-LEEN, shuh-LINN, shal (which i like), mal (which is my sister's nickname), shallee (which is reserved for the totsch whom i call mattee), shalipoo, shal-ba-gal, shuh-LINN gin, sha-naynay, and my personal favorite, shaniqwa (oh wait, no one calls me that - or at least i don't think they do....). case in point, the automated voice lady i talked to on the phone last night couldn't get it right when i not only pronounced it twice, but also spelled it twice. the following variations as repeated back to me were "shaleena - s.h.a.l.i.n.a" and "shalinn - s.h.a.l.y.n" needless to say, after what seemed like the 10th time of telling "her" she was wrong, she gave me another option and my identity was then claimed only through the means of that arbitrary set of numbers given to me to make sure that i am socially secure (even if my emotions are not - tear....).

but enough of the sob stories about the downfalls of my name (which i love by the way, and let's be honest is probably more original than your name). exciting news was brought to my attention sunday afternoon, just after i had sat down in my bathrobe to read my newspaper and smoke my pipe as i do on a fortnightly basis (oh wait, strike that) and i feel obliged to bestow this intense information to my readers. my name, yes, my name has been chosen to represent a musical group, otherwise refered to as "a band." "shalinn," the new hit sensation consisting of zach brown (guitar, vocals, blonde hair), megan mcadoo (guitar, sweet vocals, stelar personality), kristen lueck (cello, sparkling smile, bubbling reporter), and tim (percussion, radina's employee, man of mystery) is to debut it's newly decided name as they perform this friday in manhattan, ks (the magical home of the cats). i am much obliged as they embark on using my name in order to obtain some free coffee and bars, and play their little hearts out. rock out friends and although i'm honored that you arrived at this decision, please don't erase from your hearts all of the quality band name options that i gave you that you shut down.

and finally, on to the BET portion of this blog. this had nothing to do with my name, but did have to do with a brief argument between my students this afternoon regarding the names of an actress on BET. the argument: was it queen latifah or monique that played in barber shop? (or beauty shop - neither one of them really knew what they were arguing about). names. names. names. it's all relative to me.

'twas the best of times....

i would just like to document some of the hilarious questions/comments that my students made to me today:

"miss ginn, have you ever met 50 cent?"
"miss ginn, what's your favorite cd - the beastie boys?"
"miss ginn, he gonna make me act a fool up in here, up in here"

and one of my favorite conversations:

question: "are you gonna be 50 cent for halloween?" (says one student to the other)
answer: "no! i'm gonna be him in 2007." (says the other student)
question: "so what are you going to be this year?" (says me)
answer: "darth vader." (which the student says in a deep growly voice)

it's days like this when i love my job.

feelin' hot! hot! hot!

'twas not the most eventful of days, and i'm sorry to say that i do not have any funny student stories to share, nor intriguing tidbits of information to pass on to the bloggosphere society that is the 5 people that even know this blog exists. however, after working out for the last hour, i have a clear sense of at least knowing the current weather situation. two words: hot & stuck. the "hot" is self-explanatory, the "stuck" refers to the lack of air movement that made me either hallucinate or pretend as if i was roaming through the jungle with a machete chopping through the vast vegetation while looking for my next meal. the main downside - i have no large game to show for my efforts and i will have to resort to "price chopping" my way through the aisles in order to find anything worth eating. so, i'm off to conquer the beasts and penetrate my way through enemy lines. get behind me gordon schultz, i mean, satan.